How Your Lazy and Lousy Leadership Language May Be Tanking Your Influence with Others

August 8, 2023

I graduated from college in 1991 and landed in central Minnesota to start my professional career as a k-12 teacher and coach. Since I knew few people besides those I worked with, friendships emerged through my coworkers. Many of them had also made big moves for their teaching positions, so we naturally became like a second family to each other. It was easy to ascribe to the phrase: 


“We are like family here.”


While our intentions were good in thinking about my colleagues as family, I grew to realize that phrase was problematic.


Years later, I worked for a boss who regularly espoused that exact phrase, “We're like family.”

man covering his mouth in surprise

That was all lovely until the organization went through a few bumps and the cultural implication at the time became more combative with a domineering fist at the helm barking out orders to help out “the family.”



I didn't fully appreciate the connection until I read Sharone Bar-David's book Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility. She writes in one of her articles:


“At the heart of this belief lies the notion that the closeness and caring that characterize family life allow members of the ‘workplace family’ to cross colleagues’ personal boundaries without being hurtful or inappropriate.”


Her perspective motivated me to eliminate this phrase from my vocabulary. While I still have close relationships with the people I serve, I've stopped short in recent years from thinking about (or espousing) them as actual family.


The Problem with Incongruency


Many of our everyday language traps result from habits that don’t actually align with our intentions. This results in an incongruency. When you and I are incongruent, we project confusion and doubt to others.


The examples below are the most common phrases I regularly encounter when language doesn't match what's intended. I'm still working to eliminate some of these phrases I've said myself.


As many of us discover, the leadership development journey is as much about what to stop as it is about where to start.


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“Frankly…” or “To be honest…”


A common example of incongruent language is prefacing what's about to be said with “Frankly…” or the closely related “To be honest…” Most of the time, when this is said, the intention is to emphasize candor.


Unfortunately, the listener sometimes hears the opposite. A sudden emphasis of candor may leave the other party wondering what changed. When I notice someone say, “To be honest…” during a conversation, I find myself wondering if they've been honest up until that point.


Skip the doubt and drop this qualifying language. If you notice yourself saying this a lot, you might ask yourself:


“Am I actually providing as much candor as I claim?"


Hollow Apologizing


I most regularly see unnecessary apologies at the start of a formal meeting or presentation when something unexpected occurs. It might sound something like this:


“I want to apologize in advance if I miss a few things in this presentation. Jon was supposed to present this section, but he's unexpectedly out today…I just got the material this morning. I'm not really the expert on this, so I hope you'll forgive me if there's missing information or if this leaves you confused.”


Hey, if it's just you and a few colleagues you know well, no big deal, right?


Yet, I've seen it happen often when someone opens with language similar to the above in front of an executive team or board of directors. I begin to doubt the presenter's credibility when I hear this kind of opening.


By all means, apologize if you've done something wrong or errored, but don't dig yourself into a hole before you've even started. Very few people care what preparation didn't quite go according to plan.


Instead, skip the unnecessary apology, give yourself a pep talk, and show up to serve, even if you did get the slides just an hour earlier.


Side Note: A close cousin of the above is spending inordinate amounts of time troubleshooting technology problems in front of your audience. Always arrive early to set up your tech and have a backup plan. If the technology fails and you can't resolve it in 15 seconds while on the game field, move on and adapt. 


“What we came up with…”


We all received an assignment or project that we weren't super excited about but got charged with delivering. I regularly recall presentations in school where a fellow student started a project presentation with, “OK, here's what we came up with…” To me, this phrasing implies throwing something together at the last minute.


That may work fine in your college marketing course, but it's an odd way to start a professional interaction. And yet, I've heard many proposals over the years begin with, “Here's what we came up with…” 


Oddly, most of the time, the person saying it has easily met or exceeded expectations. Still, either out of habit or their lack of personal interest in the topic, their language could be better.


If, indeed, it's the case that you're not as excited about the project as your stakeholder, I'm reminded of this quote from Susan David


“Emotions are data, not directions.”


Just because the work isn't compelling doesn't mean you must announce it. It's about who you are serving, not you.


What's better? Keep it simple and start with, “Here's my proposal…” or “After a detailed analysis, we're making several recommendations…”


Does anybody have any questions?


Like many leaders, I've attended more meetings and presentations in my career than I could count. A majority have been helpful in some way. And many of them ended with this:


“Does anybody have any questions?”


Well-intended? Sure. After all, don't you want to solicit questions?


Yes, but how you do it is critical.


I've often seen the “Does anybody have any questions?” combined with a somewhat nervous glancing around the room, odd facial expressions, and occasionally walking away without saying more. Sometimes, body language suggests that this “question” was merely intended as a segue to the next item on the agenda.


If questions are present, you want to convey that you're ready and willing to respond. I often say, “Who has the first question?” Not only does that wording invite interaction, but it also portrays confidence. Be sure also to provide time for people to think before they respond (the teacher in me recommends 8 seconds). If you only hear silence, follow up with “A question I'm commonly asked is…” that reinforces a key message.


Either way, assume your audience have questions and demonstrate that you are ready and willing to engage.


Self-Congratulatory Language


I regularly listen to podcasts while working out or traveling to expand my perspectives and thinking on timely topics. The hosts on my playlist are all very knowledgeable and highly experienced. 


Many of them also start the episodes explaining how awesome and helpful the forthcoming conversation will be with so-and-so. I typically 1.75X through that noise to get to the good stuff, but it makes me cringe a bit each time I hear someone telling me how to feel about what I am about to experience instead of allowing me to come to a positive conclusion on my own. 


We all need to market our work, but how you do it is critical.


Rather than, “This is some of our best work ever,” or “I know that you're just going to love this,” or using anything containing the phrases “value bomb” or “blown away,” consider a different approach.


Donald Miller, the bestselling author of 
Building a Story Brand, said this recently on one of his latest podcasts that hit a homerun: 


“Insecure People talk about themselves. People who are confident talk about others. Demonstrate through your language that you understand the problem the other party faces, and then explain how you can help address it. If you talk about yourself, do so in the context of how it helps your stakeholder get to where they need to go.”


When it's essential to highlight your credibility, make the claim stronger by citing a respected third party. When my work becomes relevant in a dialogue with someone who doesn't know me, I'll sometimes offer this:


“Google Analytics ranks our HPG site as the #1 search result for “Leadership Team Performance” in the United States.”


The implication? A respected entity other than me says that my work is helpful for campus leaders who want to improve.


Virtually every leader has third-party examples they can point to. Spend a few minutes surfacing your go-to examples to frame your work well.


Insensitive Phrasing


We've all used language that may have seemed fine but landed with another person very differently. Leaders should be especially vigilant about their references to faith, gender, culture, or other dehumanizing phrases that don't align with their intended message.


When expressing disagreement with an idea or another, I sometimes hear, “Well, I don't care if…” or the more direct, “I hate it when…” Yes, while people may use that language in everyday dialogue, expressing “not caring” or “hate” for someone or something might land very differently with others within your sphere of influence.


What's better? Use gracious language that aligns with the intended message. Stating, “I have a different opinion…” or “Yes, I'm aware that finance thinks differently about this…” conveys a clear thought without the emotional baggage.


Avoid language referencing gender, culture, or physical attributes when that's not what you're discussing. Accounting for “man-hours” or referring to all people as “guys” isn't inclusive. 


More problematic phrases like, “We just need some warm bodies” or “It's time to put butts in seats” imply that humans are things, not people. Additionally, language like “He doesn't have the cojones…” may have sounded cool in high school, but mixing or comparing human beings to body parts is never professional.


Instead, say what you mean: “There are four open positions that we need to fill,” or “We still have 40 tickets to sell for the event,” or “I have concerns about his initiative.”


Beware also of analogies that evoke a clear image but not one you intend. An example I’ve heard is, “We all need to open our kimonos…” said in the context of sharing information or data. In addition to being culturally insensitive, it creates an image that isn't appropriate in most workplaces.


Application – Next Steps


Opinions vary on wording, but the more significant point is to examine the leadership language you're using that might not align with what you intend. Perhaps an example above has surfaced where this could be true for you.


Then, pick one phrase to change or replace with different wording. Aim to use it at least once a day. Right now, I'm working on replacing the phrase “you guys” with “you both” when referring to our adult son and daughter together.


Drop me a note if you were poked a little by this post and how we can stay on the journey of “better” together. 



Related Reading

Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility* by Sharone Bar-David.


P.S. Campus teams, on average, function at less than 60% of their performance potential because they don't invest in team capacity and team potential.


The HPG Team has created a training and coaching practice to help teams win against the gravitational pull of average performance, and we can help YOU!


  1. Check out our suite of leader and team resources 👇🏼
    https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/resources
  2. Set up a call to explore the next steps 👇🏼
    https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/schedule


More Blog Articles

By HPG Info March 24, 2026
Conviction builds loyalty. Consensus builds mediocrity. I own more Milwaukee tools than any non-contractor has any business owning. A drill. A hammer drill. A circular saw. A packout toolbox system I am genuinely embarrassed to price out—because the boxes that hold the tools have become as satisfying as the tools themselves. I am an organizational researcher and executive team coach who studies leadership teams for a living. I have, without anyone asking me to, become an unpaid marketing department for a power tool brand. I've been trying to understand: Why? Because I didn't drift into Milwaukee. I converted. I had DeWalt tools that worked fine. I replaced them—deliberately, at real cost—because I watched someone on YouTube be genuinely passionate about what Milwaukee was building, and I needed to know what that felt like. Three years later, I'm recommending Milwaukee to people who didn't ask about tools. That's not brand loyalty. That's conviction. And it raises a question I haven't been able to stop thinking about: When is the last time someone became an unpaid evangelist for what you're building? When is the last time a family, a faculty member, a board member recommended your leadership—not because you nudged them, not because a survey asked them—but because they couldn't help it? Our research across 987 leadership teams answers this. The highest-performing institutions aren't the most collegial. They're the most convicted. They know precisely what they're building—and precisely what they refuse to build—and that clarity is more infectious than any strategic plan ever produced. TQ | TEAM INTELLIGENCE is an operating system for Higher Performance teams, but TQ without direction is just a very sophisticated engine with no destination. The multiplication has to be pointed at something—and more importantly, away from something. That's the part most leadership development programs forget entirely. The Diagnosis: The Polite Mediocrity Trap Let's talk about this like adults who've survived enough strategic planning retreats to know the difference between a vision statement and a conviction. Here's what Milwaukee figured out that most educational institutions haven't: being excellent at something requires being honest about what you're against. Milwaukee makes tools for professionals who cannot afford equipment failure under real conditions. That's the for. But the conviction that makes it mean something? They're against the race to the bottom. Against cheap materials dressed up in professional branding. Against the assumption that the person in the field will just deal with it. That against is what makes the for believable. Now walk into most school district or university cabinets and ask: What are we against? Not diplomatically. Not in the language of strategic planning documents. What are you actually done tolerating? You'll hear one of two things. Silence—the professionally calibrated kind, where everyone waits to see who speaks first so they can calibrate their answer. Or a list so abstract it could describe any institution in your state: inequity, mediocrity, the status quo. ("The status quo" is not an oppositional conviction. It's a placeholder dressed up as one. Every institution claims to be against the status quo while carefully maintaining it. If you're against the status quo, name the specific element in your specific institution that you are specifically done accepting. Then watch the room.) The root cause isn't cowardice. It's architecture. Most cabinets have been built—entirely by accident, over years of professional socialization—to reward the performance of alignment and punish genuine conviction. The person who says what they're actually against gets labeled 'difficult.' The person who nods and complains in the parking lot gets labeled 'collegial.' The system selects against exactly what you need. (This is the specific gap THE TEAM INSTITUTE closes—not by making your people better individually, but by building the collective architecture that makes shared conviction possible and safe to name. More on that in a moment.) The Framework: Conviction Architecture Call it the Conviction Architecture. Three dimensions. All required. None of them optional if you want to build something people actually fight to be part of. This isn't complicated. It's just uncomfortable. 1. The Affirmative Conviction — What You're Actually Building Not what you're open to building. Not what you're committed to exploring. What you are actually, specifically, irreversibly building. Here's the test I run with every leader I work with: The Substitution Test. Take your vision statement, your priority framework, your strategic plan—and replace your institution's name with any other institution in your state. Does the document still work? If yes, you don't have a conviction. You have a template. A conviction doesn't survive substitution. "We believe the students in this zip code are capable of competing with any student in this state, and we are done accepting systems that assume otherwise" does not survive substitution. That's a conviction. It names something real, creates real friction, and tells you exactly what the institution is willing to fight for. Milwaukee's affirmative conviction survives substitution. You cannot swap their name into a DeWalt brand statement and have it still be true. The specificity is the point. 2. The Oppositional Conviction — What You're Done Tolerating This is the one most educational leaders refuse to develop publicly. And it is precisely this one that generates loyalty. Think about the leaders in your network who you'd follow anywhere. Every single one of them can tell you—without diplomatic hedging—what they're done tolerating. The assumption that their community's kids are somebody else's problem. The budget process that rewards volume over vision. The professional development ritual that consumes three days per year and changes nothing by the following Monday. They name these things. In public. In front of people who disagree with them. And here's what happens: The people who came for the title or the proximity to power quietly find somewhere else to be. The people who believe in the same things become ferociously loyal—not because they were recruited, but because they were finally in a room where someone said the thing they'd been thinking for years. That's what Milwaukee does with every product decision. They're not trying to be the tool brand for everyone who has ever needed a tool. They're for the professional who needs the equipment to actually work. That specificity makes some people feel excluded. It makes the right people feel seen. The people who feel seen become evangelists. The evangelists bring more people who feel seen. The question for you: What are you done pretending is acceptable?? The answer to that question is the center of your leadership brand. Most leaders never say it out loud. The ones who do build institutions worth following. 3. The Relational Conviction — Who You're Specifically For Cult-level loyalty—the healthy kind—isn't built on quality alone. It's built on the audience's specificity. Milwaukee isn't for every person who has ever held a drill. They're for the professional-grade user who needs equipment that doesn't fail under real conditions. That specificity is what makes their core audience feel genuinely chosen—not accommodated, chosen. Most leaders have been trained to lead for everyone. And while that breadth is appropriate in service delivery, it's corrosive in leadership identity. In cabinet terms: Are you building for the people on your team who are ready to genuinely commit to transformation? Or are you designing initiatives that don't make the least committed person in the room uncomfortable? You cannot do both. The attempt produces exactly the kind of universally-tolerated, nobody-evangelizes-for-it mediocrity that keeps institutions performing at 60% of their actual capacity. The Case Study Let me tell you about a superintendent I'll call Renata. (Not her real name—but Renata, if you're reading this, you've told this story better than I'm about to.) Renata inherited a district led, for eleven years, by a superintendent who was universally well-regarded. Stable board relationships. Decent outcomes. A cabinet that had mastered the art of professional consensus. Nobody was passionate. Nobody was difficult. The district persisted. Renata's first act was not a strategic plan. It was a statement—shared with her cabinet, then her board, then her community—about what her district was done tolerating. She was against the assumption that kids in her zip code couldn't compete academically with those in the wealthier neighboring district. Against professional development that consumed teacher time without producing classroom change. Against administrative processes built for system convenience at the expense of family access. She named these things specifically, publicly, in front of people who were not entirely comfortable hearing them. Two cabinet members who couldn't align with the oppositional conviction left within eighteen months. Renata calls those "the first round of clarity costs." She paid them without drama. Three years later: enrollment grew for the first time in a decade. Not from a marketing campaign. From word of mouth. Families in adjacent districts started talking. Teachers began applying who had heard, through the professional network, that this was a place that knew what it was building. The board member who pushed back hardest in year one told Renata at her third-year evaluation that she was the best hire the board had ever made. Renata didn't build loyalty by being easy to like. She built it by being impossible to mistake. People knew exactly what she was building and exactly what she refused to accept. The people who wanted to build that thing with her became evangelists. Without being asked. If you're reading this thinking, 'I know what I'm against—but my cabinet doesn't share it yet'—that's the specific gap THE TEAM INSTITUTE closes. Shared conviction isn't installed through a memo or a retreat. It's built sequentially, through structured collective development that turns eight individual perspectives into one team that multiplies. Schedule a consultation to explore whether this is the right moment for your cabinet. Whether you work with us or not, here's what you can do Monday morning. The Application: Three Conviction Moves Here's what to do Monday morning (assuming you're not already in crisis mode, in which case, bookmark this and do it Tuesday): Step 1: Write the 'We're Done With' List (20 minutes, alone, before anyone else is in the room) Not a cabinet exercise. Just you. Finish this sentence ten times: "We are done tolerating ________." Don't edit for diplomacy. Write the actual list. The budget process that rewards whoever complains loudest over whoever thinks most clearly. The board dynamic that turns every cabinet meeting into a performance. The strategic initiative that gets launched with full cabinet 'support' and quietly starved of resources by March. Now read the list. The items that make you slightly nervous—the ones where you thought 'I can't actually say that publicly'—circle those. That nervousness is the signal. That's where your real conviction lives. That's the version of your leadership that builds institutions people can't stop talking about. This is the same move Milwaukee made before they built the packout system. They asked: what are we done tolerating in the way professionals organize and transport tools? The answer produced something people 3D-print custom attachments for in their spare time. Your 'done tolerating' list has the same generative potential. Step 2: Run the Substitution Test on Your Strategic Plan (15 minutes) Pull your most recent strategic plan. Replace your institution's name with any other institution in your state. Does the document still work? If yes, you have a placeholder. The conviction isn't in the plan—it's in you. The work is surfacing it, not writing a new plan. Find one sentence in that document that could only be true of your institution, your community, your specific moment. If you can't find one, write one. That sentence is your starting point. Step 3: Say One True Thing in Your Next Cabinet Meeting Just one. In the room. Without the diplomatic hedge at the end. "I want to name something we've been tolerating that I'm no longer willing to tolerate." Then name it specifically. Three things will happen: Someone agrees immediately—that's your first ally. Someone pushes back—that pushback is the most useful data you'll get all month. Or nobody reacts—which means you're in a consent-theater dynamic and you have a different problem to solve first. All three outcomes are more useful than another meeting where everyone nodded and nothing changed by Thursday. Two Objections, Handled: "I can't afford to alienate anyone." You're currently alienating the most committed people on your team by leading as if their conviction has to wait for the least committed person in the room to be ready. That's not caution. That's how you lose your best people to institutions where someone finally said what they were actually building. "My board would never accept this." Renata's board had the same concern. The board member who pushed back hardest is the one who called her the best hire in the district's history. Conviction doesn't lose boards. What loses boards is a leader who can't articulate what they're building clearly enough for the board to get behind it. The Maturity Shift Immature leaders think: "My job is to build consensus around a shared vision." Mature leaders think: "My job is to build a shared conviction strong enough to hold when consensus breaks down." Immature leaders make the vision broad enough that nobody can disagree with it. Mature leaders make the conviction specific enough that only the right people can commit to it. Immature leaders celebrate a full room. Mature leaders ask why everyone in the room describes a different institution when you ask what they're building. Here's the uncomfortable truth: A team without shared conviction doesn't multiply. It averages. Eight individually excellent people, each carrying their own unspoken direction, produce the mean of those directions. The safest course. The least offensive. The least transformative. The one that keeps the district or university exactly where it is while consuming 100% of everyone's capacity to keep it there. The 987 leadership teams in our research who moved from 60% capacity to 90% capacity didn't get there by becoming individually smarter. They got there by developing a shared conviction about what they were building—and what they were done accepting—and multiplying that conviction together. That's what TEAM INTELLIGENCE actually means when it works: not eight people performing alignment, but eight people genuinely committed to the same thing. Sequential investment creates compounding conviction. The Milwaukee packout didn't become a cult object because the first box was remarkable. It became one because every subsequent piece was designed to fit into and enhance what came before. Your cabinet works the same way. Your turn: What's one thing your institution is genuinely against—not officially, not diplomatically, but actually against—that has never been named out loud in a cabinet meeting? Drop it in the comments. Not for performance. Because naming it is the first step to building a team that shares it. Tag someone who you've watched lead with a backbone—someone who says the true thing in the room where it costs something to say it. They deserve to be recognized for it. THE TEAM INSTITUTE Most leadership development programs spend eight hours building individual capacity and return your cabinet to a collective system designed to neutralize exactly what they just developed. Your people come back sharper. They return to a meeting culture that hasn't changed. The individual work doesn't transfer. You know this. You've watched it happen. You've paid for it more than once. THE TEAM INSTITUTE is an 8-month developmental journey that builds what your cabinet is actually missing—not individual skill, but collective architecture. The trust that makes honest conviction safe to name. The shared language that makes it portable across the team. The sequential development—from individual clarity to collective commitment to organizational multiplication—that turns eight excellent individuals into a team that genuinely compounds. Month by month, your cabinet builds what no single training or retreat ever produced: a shared operating system with a shared direction. The kind where someone on your team becomes an unpaid evangelist for what you're building—not because you asked them to, but because they finally found something worth talking about. From our research across 987 leadership teams : 3x performance improvement. 29% higher engagement. 27% better organizational outcomes. Zero burnout increase. One requirement: full leadership team participation. Partial conviction is not conviction. It's a majority position. If you recognize the gap between what you're building and what your team has actually committed to—schedule a 30-minute consultation to explore whether THE TEAM INSTITUTE is the right intervention for your cabinet right now. This is a conversation between people who are done tolerating leadership development that returns brilliant individuals to a broken collective system and calls the investment complete. https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/team-institute Found Value in This? Help other leaders find it: → Repost with the one thing your institution is actually against that's never been named publicly. The leaders who read this need to know they're not alone in carrying that conviction. → @Tag a leader with a backbone. Someone you've watched say the true thing in the room where it cost something to say it. Name them specifically. → Comment with your Substitution Test result: Does your strategic plan survive having your name replaced with any other institution in your state? Yes or No. The comments will tell you something about your peers you won't hear anywhere else. The more leaders who move from performed alignment to shared conviction, the better our educational institutions become. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group for weekly Team Intelligence insights. Next Issue "Your Cabinet Doesn't Actually Disagree With You (And That's the Problem)" We'll explore why the most dangerous dynamic in educational leadership isn't conflict—it's the professional performance of agreement, while the real conversation happens in the parking lot.  Spoiler: Your last strategic plan didn't die in implementation. It died the moment everyone nodded, and nobody meant it.
By HPG Info March 17, 2026
THE SPRING BREAK 2026 REVEAL A short dispatch from Tucson — and the most honest picture of burnout I've ever seen ☀️ Tucson. Spring break. Bear Down country. Ms. Becky and I buzzed to dinner at one of our favorite spots near the Catalinas. Good food, great views, the kind of evening you actually protect on your calendar. We pull into the parking lot. I open my door. And I stop. Because the car next to ours has a spare tire mounted on the back that is — there is no other word for it — destroyed. Shredded down to the steel belts. Rubber hanging off the rim in thick, ragged strips like something took a bite out of it. It doesn't look like a blowout. It looks like the tire lost a long argument with physics and physics won decisively. I pull out my phone. Ms. Becky does the thing she does — that specific eye roll that communicates, with remarkable efficiency: "Joe. Could you just. Not." 
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