How Your Lazy and Lousy Leadership Language May Be Tanking Your Influence with Others

August 8, 2023

I graduated from college in 1991 and landed in central Minnesota to start my professional career as a k-12 teacher and coach. Since I knew few people besides those I worked with, friendships emerged through my coworkers. Many of them had also made big moves for their teaching positions, so we naturally became like a second family to each other. It was easy to ascribe to the phrase: 


“We are like family here.”


While our intentions were good in thinking about my colleagues as family, I grew to realize that phrase was problematic.


Years later, I worked for a boss who regularly espoused that exact phrase, “We're like family.”

man covering his mouth in surprise

That was all lovely until the organization went through a few bumps and the cultural implication at the time became more combative with a domineering fist at the helm barking out orders to help out “the family.”



I didn't fully appreciate the connection until I read Sharone Bar-David's book Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility. She writes in one of her articles:


“At the heart of this belief lies the notion that the closeness and caring that characterize family life allow members of the ‘workplace family’ to cross colleagues’ personal boundaries without being hurtful or inappropriate.”


Her perspective motivated me to eliminate this phrase from my vocabulary. While I still have close relationships with the people I serve, I've stopped short in recent years from thinking about (or espousing) them as actual family.


The Problem with Incongruency


Many of our everyday language traps result from habits that don’t actually align with our intentions. This results in an incongruency. When you and I are incongruent, we project confusion and doubt to others.


The examples below are the most common phrases I regularly encounter when language doesn't match what's intended. I'm still working to eliminate some of these phrases I've said myself.


As many of us discover, the leadership development journey is as much about what to stop as it is about where to start.


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“Frankly…” or “To be honest…”


A common example of incongruent language is prefacing what's about to be said with “Frankly…” or the closely related “To be honest…” Most of the time, when this is said, the intention is to emphasize candor.


Unfortunately, the listener sometimes hears the opposite. A sudden emphasis of candor may leave the other party wondering what changed. When I notice someone say, “To be honest…” during a conversation, I find myself wondering if they've been honest up until that point.


Skip the doubt and drop this qualifying language. If you notice yourself saying this a lot, you might ask yourself:


“Am I actually providing as much candor as I claim?"


Hollow Apologizing


I most regularly see unnecessary apologies at the start of a formal meeting or presentation when something unexpected occurs. It might sound something like this:


“I want to apologize in advance if I miss a few things in this presentation. Jon was supposed to present this section, but he's unexpectedly out today…I just got the material this morning. I'm not really the expert on this, so I hope you'll forgive me if there's missing information or if this leaves you confused.”


Hey, if it's just you and a few colleagues you know well, no big deal, right?


Yet, I've seen it happen often when someone opens with language similar to the above in front of an executive team or board of directors. I begin to doubt the presenter's credibility when I hear this kind of opening.


By all means, apologize if you've done something wrong or errored, but don't dig yourself into a hole before you've even started. Very few people care what preparation didn't quite go according to plan.


Instead, skip the unnecessary apology, give yourself a pep talk, and show up to serve, even if you did get the slides just an hour earlier.


Side Note: A close cousin of the above is spending inordinate amounts of time troubleshooting technology problems in front of your audience. Always arrive early to set up your tech and have a backup plan. If the technology fails and you can't resolve it in 15 seconds while on the game field, move on and adapt. 


“What we came up with…”


We all received an assignment or project that we weren't super excited about but got charged with delivering. I regularly recall presentations in school where a fellow student started a project presentation with, “OK, here's what we came up with…” To me, this phrasing implies throwing something together at the last minute.


That may work fine in your college marketing course, but it's an odd way to start a professional interaction. And yet, I've heard many proposals over the years begin with, “Here's what we came up with…” 


Oddly, most of the time, the person saying it has easily met or exceeded expectations. Still, either out of habit or their lack of personal interest in the topic, their language could be better.


If, indeed, it's the case that you're not as excited about the project as your stakeholder, I'm reminded of this quote from Susan David


“Emotions are data, not directions.”


Just because the work isn't compelling doesn't mean you must announce it. It's about who you are serving, not you.


What's better? Keep it simple and start with, “Here's my proposal…” or “After a detailed analysis, we're making several recommendations…”


Does anybody have any questions?


Like many leaders, I've attended more meetings and presentations in my career than I could count. A majority have been helpful in some way. And many of them ended with this:


“Does anybody have any questions?”


Well-intended? Sure. After all, don't you want to solicit questions?


Yes, but how you do it is critical.


I've often seen the “Does anybody have any questions?” combined with a somewhat nervous glancing around the room, odd facial expressions, and occasionally walking away without saying more. Sometimes, body language suggests that this “question” was merely intended as a segue to the next item on the agenda.


If questions are present, you want to convey that you're ready and willing to respond. I often say, “Who has the first question?” Not only does that wording invite interaction, but it also portrays confidence. Be sure also to provide time for people to think before they respond (the teacher in me recommends 8 seconds). If you only hear silence, follow up with “A question I'm commonly asked is…” that reinforces a key message.


Either way, assume your audience have questions and demonstrate that you are ready and willing to engage.


Self-Congratulatory Language


I regularly listen to podcasts while working out or traveling to expand my perspectives and thinking on timely topics. The hosts on my playlist are all very knowledgeable and highly experienced. 


Many of them also start the episodes explaining how awesome and helpful the forthcoming conversation will be with so-and-so. I typically 1.75X through that noise to get to the good stuff, but it makes me cringe a bit each time I hear someone telling me how to feel about what I am about to experience instead of allowing me to come to a positive conclusion on my own. 


We all need to market our work, but how you do it is critical.


Rather than, “This is some of our best work ever,” or “I know that you're just going to love this,” or using anything containing the phrases “value bomb” or “blown away,” consider a different approach.


Donald Miller, the bestselling author of 
Building a Story Brand, said this recently on one of his latest podcasts that hit a homerun: 


“Insecure People talk about themselves. People who are confident talk about others. Demonstrate through your language that you understand the problem the other party faces, and then explain how you can help address it. If you talk about yourself, do so in the context of how it helps your stakeholder get to where they need to go.”


When it's essential to highlight your credibility, make the claim stronger by citing a respected third party. When my work becomes relevant in a dialogue with someone who doesn't know me, I'll sometimes offer this:


“Google Analytics ranks our HPG site as the #1 search result for “Leadership Team Performance” in the United States.”


The implication? A respected entity other than me says that my work is helpful for campus leaders who want to improve.


Virtually every leader has third-party examples they can point to. Spend a few minutes surfacing your go-to examples to frame your work well.


Insensitive Phrasing


We've all used language that may have seemed fine but landed with another person very differently. Leaders should be especially vigilant about their references to faith, gender, culture, or other dehumanizing phrases that don't align with their intended message.


When expressing disagreement with an idea or another, I sometimes hear, “Well, I don't care if…” or the more direct, “I hate it when…” Yes, while people may use that language in everyday dialogue, expressing “not caring” or “hate” for someone or something might land very differently with others within your sphere of influence.


What's better? Use gracious language that aligns with the intended message. Stating, “I have a different opinion…” or “Yes, I'm aware that finance thinks differently about this…” conveys a clear thought without the emotional baggage.


Avoid language referencing gender, culture, or physical attributes when that's not what you're discussing. Accounting for “man-hours” or referring to all people as “guys” isn't inclusive. 


More problematic phrases like, “We just need some warm bodies” or “It's time to put butts in seats” imply that humans are things, not people. Additionally, language like “He doesn't have the cojones…” may have sounded cool in high school, but mixing or comparing human beings to body parts is never professional.


Instead, say what you mean: “There are four open positions that we need to fill,” or “We still have 40 tickets to sell for the event,” or “I have concerns about his initiative.”


Beware also of analogies that evoke a clear image but not one you intend. An example I’ve heard is, “We all need to open our kimonos…” said in the context of sharing information or data. In addition to being culturally insensitive, it creates an image that isn't appropriate in most workplaces.


Application – Next Steps


Opinions vary on wording, but the more significant point is to examine the leadership language you're using that might not align with what you intend. Perhaps an example above has surfaced where this could be true for you.


Then, pick one phrase to change or replace with different wording. Aim to use it at least once a day. Right now, I'm working on replacing the phrase “you guys” with “you both” when referring to our adult son and daughter together.


Drop me a note if you were poked a little by this post and how we can stay on the journey of “better” together. 



Related Reading

Trust Your Canary: Every Leader's Guide to Taming Workplace Incivility* by Sharone Bar-David.


P.S. Campus teams, on average, function at less than 60% of their performance potential because they don't invest in team capacity and team potential.


The HPG Team has created a training and coaching practice to help teams win against the gravitational pull of average performance, and we can help YOU!


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More Blog Articles

By HPG Info November 25, 2025
Walk Into Any Leadership Conference and Try This Experiment Read through the conference program. What do you see? 247 breakout sessions on "executive presence." 3 on humility. And those three? Empty rooms at 3 PM on Friday when everyone's already at the airport bar calculating if they can make the earlier flight. Nobody flies to San Diego to learn how to look less certain. Here's the data that should terrify you: 73% of educational leaders in our 987-team study privately admit they're making it up as they go. Yet 94% project absolute certainty in public—in board meetings, cabinet sessions, and all-staff addresses where doubt would be career suicide. That 21-point gap between private reality and public performance? That's not strategic leadership. That's organizational theater. And it's costing you the one thing that actually multiplies team capacity. A cultural analyst recently said something that stopped me cold: "Humility has come under attack in our society. Self-effacement became identified with weakness. A different ethos took over—expressive individualism. Salvation is now found through intimate contact with oneself and exposing the power within." In plain English: We've trained leaders to believe their job is managing their personal brand, not developing their team's collective intelligence. We built an entire leadership development industry around projecting strength. Then we wonder why our teams can't think together under pressure. Here's what nobody tells you at those conferences (because vulnerability doesn't sell tickets): The superintendents and presidents whose teams actually multiply capacity—who turn 8 people into what feels like 25—they've figured out something the confident performers haven't. They've learned that certainty kills curiosity. That "I don't know" opens more doors than "trust me." That the leader who admits confusion creates space for collective problem-solving, while the leader who fakes clarity creates teams that wait for orders. The paradox: Strong teams aren't built by strong leaders performing strength. They're built by secure leaders practicing humility. Your turn: When's the last time you doubled down on a position in a meeting—not because you believed it, but because changing your mind would look weak? Drop a number in the comments: how many times THIS YEAR has that happened? (I'll start: At least 4. Maybe 6. Definitely more than I want you to know about.) THE DIAGNOSIS: Why Smart Leaders Fight Like Street Gangs (And Don't Even Know It) Let's talk about this like adults who've survived multiple board presentations where you had to defend decisions you weren't entirely sure about while projecting absolute conviction the entire time. Here's what actually happened in your last cabinet meeting (the real version, not the minutes): Scenario 1: The Territorial Defense Someone advocated for their position way more forcefully than the data warranted. Not because they were certain they were right. Because they needed to win. Their credibility felt at stake in front of peers. In K-12: Your Assistant Superintendent for Curriculum can't let the Assistant Superintendent for Finance "win" the budget allocation argument—even when Finance's numbers are solid—because losing feels like professional diminishment. In Higher Ed: Your Dean of Liberal Arts can't concede that the Dean of Business has a valid enrollment strategy point, because agreement feels like surrender, and surrender feels like irrelevance. Scenario 2: The Defensive Recoil Someone received actually useful feedback and reacted like they'd been personally attacked. You watched them shut down, get defensive, or start building the counterargument before the feedback was even finished. Scenario 3: The Subtle Undermining Someone couldn't just let their colleague's good idea stand on its own. They had to add a qualifier. Point out a flaw. Subtly reposition it so their own contribution felt equally important. You've seen this. You've probably done this. (I definitely have.) Scenario 4: The Performance Everyone nodded agreement during the meeting. Then three separate people texted their real thoughts to someone NOT in the room afterward. You built a team that performs collaboration but practices competition. And here's what nobody wants to say out loud: This isn't because you hired bad people. This is because you hired humans. The Root Cause Nobody Names Here's the uncomfortable diagnosis, and I'm going to be direct because I spent 25 years in the loneliness of the senior leadership seat: We live in a state of cosmic insecurity. Stay with me for 60 seconds before you dismiss this as psychobabble. Think about street gangs. Young men who don't feel valued by society or their families. They walk down the street, and if you slight them even slightly, they'll pummel you. Why? Because they're what the ancient Greeks called "glory empty"—desperately hungry for respect, for validation, for assurance that they matter. You're thinking: "Well sure, but that's THEM. They have self-esteem issues." Except for those who study history, nation-states have always acted exactly like street gangs. Slight them diplomatically, and they go to war. Why? Because nations are just collections of glory-empty humans operating collectively the same way they operate individually. And your cabinet? Your leadership team? Same dynamics. Just with better credentials and conference rooms instead of street corners. Why? Here's the brutal truth: We were made to live in the presence of something transcendent that gave us permanent, unshakeable worth. But we've built a professional culture where worth is temporary, conditional, and constantly up for negotiation. So we fight. For recognition. For credit. For assurance that we're not ephemeral. That we won't be forgotten. That we matter. A leadership writer captured it perfectly: "Pride in the spiritual sense is refusal to let anything greater than yourself define your worth. It's grabbing ultimate status for yourself—wishing to be self-sufficient, relying only on your own resources. That is the greatest illusion, the cosmic delusion that we can make it as our own gods. Which leaves us empty at the center. " Empty at the center. So we swagger. We bluff. We attack anyone who threatens our fragile sense that we're real. We use people as buttresses for shaky egos. Life becomes a constant battle to prove we count. And leadership teams become battlegrounds dressed up as strategic planning sessions. (This is actually why I created The GROUP —a free community where we stop performing leadership and start practicing actual team development together. Where we name this stuff instead of pretending it doesn't exist. But I'm getting ahead of myself.) I know the loneliness of being the only person in the room who sees this pattern. Of wondering if YOU'RE the problem because surely other leadership teams don't operate like a group project where everyone's protecting their territory. Comment "LONELY" if you've ever felt like the only person who sees how dysfunctional the dynamics actually are. THE FRAMEWORK: What Humility Actually Is (And Why Ancient Wisdom Demolishes Modern Leadership Theory) Call this the Humility Architecture. Or don't. It'll still explain why your cabinet of brilliant individuals produces mediocre collective results. Here's what nobody tells you at leadership conferences: In ancient Greco-Roman culture, humility wasn't a virtue—it was an insult. The Greek word tapeinophrosyne meant "lowliness of mind"—the disposition of a slave. That entire civilization was built on a hierarchy where strength commanded, weakness obeyed, and humility was literally the posture of the conquered. Social order rested on power and fear. Leaders projected dominance. Humility was career death—if you even had a career. Then Christianity showed up and flipped the entire script. Suddenly, the guy washing his disciples' feet was the model of leadership. "Blessed are the meek" became revolutionary philosophy. The last shall be first. The greatest among you must be a servant. This wasn't just religious teaching—it was a civilizational operating system upgrade. Within a few centuries, humility transformed from slave-virtue to leadership virtue. Western culture's entire conception of moral authority shifted from "power over others" to "service to others." (Yes, Christians spent the next 2,000 years frequently forgetting this and building their own power hierarchies. The irony is not lost on me. But the philosophical shift stuck—humility became something worth aspiring to, not hiding.) Fast forward to 1982. That's when the modern self-esteem movement launched in California—naturally—with a state task force literally titled "Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem and Personal and Social Responsibility." The pendulum swung hard. Humility became confused with low self-esteem. Confidence became the currency. "Believe in yourself" replaced "know yourself." We went from servant leadership back to... well, basically Greco-Roman leadership with better presentation decks. By the 2000s, we'd completed the regression: Leadership development became about executive presence, personal branding, and projecting certainty. Admitting "I don't know" became weakness. Changing your mind became flip-flopping. We reverse-engineered our way back to ancient Rome, except now leaders wear Patagonia vests instead of togas. Here's the thing that changes everything: The teams that actually work—the ones that multiply capacity instead of just adding headcount—they're operating on the ancient Christian model, not the modern confidence model. They've figured out what took Western civilization 400 years to learn the first time: Humility isn't weakness. It's the foundation of collective intelligence. When leaders practice genuine humility—not false modesty, not performative self-deprecation, but actual "I might be wrong about this" openness—something shifts. Teams stop performing agreement and start thinking together. The leader who says "I'm certain" creates followers. The leader who says "I'm uncertain, let's figure this out" creates thinkers. One builds a reporting structure. One builds a team. The ancient Greeks would have called the second leader weak. They'd also be confused about why that leader's "weak" team is outperforming everyone else's "strong" one. Turns out civilizational wisdom was right the first time. Let me give you four diagnostic tools—four things humility is NOT. Which means if you're doing these things, you're operating in pride (even if it doesn't feel like it): 1. HUMILITY IS THE OPPOSITE OF DRIVENNESS Be careful here. You can be passionate, hardworking, and pursuing excellence because you genuinely love what you're doing. That's not drivenness. Drivenness is when your competitiveness comes from an inner vacuum rather than outer joy. The test : If your colleague achieves the breakthrough you've been working toward, are you almost as genuinely happy as if you'd achieved it yourself? Or does their success somehow diminish yours? One philosopher nailed it: "Pride gets no pleasure out of having something—only having MORE of it than the next person. You're not proud of being intelligent until you're more intelligent than your colleagues. Pride is comparative. It's the pleasure of being above the rest." Observable reality in your cabinet : The person who can't celebrate anyone else's wins without adding their own accomplishment to the conversation Who tracks whose ideas get implemented more frequently Who measures their worth by comparing their impact to everyone else's Who's always restless, always unhappy with their performance, always needing the next win to feel okay In K-12 : The principal who can't let another principal's building outperform theirs without finding ways to explain why it doesn't really count. The assistant superintendent who subtly undermines district initiatives that didn't originate in their portfolio. In Higher Ed : The dean who can't acknowledge another college's enrollment success without mentioning that college's "different circumstances" or "lower standards." The VP who literally tracks which recommendations the president implements most frequently. If you're driven, restless, always competing—you're not pursuing excellence. You're medicating emptiness. Humility is content. Not complacent—content. Massive difference. 2. HUMILITY IS THE OPPOSITE OF SCORNFULNESS Treating others with contempt—jeering, ridiculing, the constant sarcastic put-down—is always a manifestation of pride. Why? Because you're putting people down (notice that's literally the metaphor we use), so you can position yourself above them. Humility means treating everyone—especially those who are less credentialed than you or opposed to your position—with courtesy, grace, and respect. Always. Observable reality : The leader whose default response to opposing viewpoints is mockery Who uses humor as a weapon Who needs others to be wrong so they can feel right Whose meeting contributions regularly include subtle digs at colleagues' intelligence or competence Quick diagnostic : Do your "jokes" about team members make them smaller so you can feel bigger? 3. HUMILITY IS THE OPPOSITE OF WILLFULNESS One writer observed: "Spiritually proud people are always absolutely sure of every point of their beliefs." Proud people cannot admit they're wrong. Can't take advice. Can't take correction. They don't like repenting—and when they do, it's always under duress. They're not teachable. They're not open to changing their minds. They don't actually listen. Observable reality : That cabinet member who has never once said, "You know what? I was completely wrong about that." Who interprets every piece of feedback as a personal attack Who treats correction as disrespect Who can't distinguish between "your idea needs refinement" and "you are inadequate as a person" The test : When was the last time you admitted you were completely wrong about something you were certain you were right about? Not "I could have communicated better" (that's not admitting you were wrong—that's blaming communication). I mean, actually, substantively wrong. If you can't remember? That's diagnostic. 4. HUMILITY IS THE OPPOSITE OF SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS This is the sneaky one. Because we almost always think proud people are arrogant—self-promoters who constantly brag, with superiority complexes. But pride manifests just as powerfully through inferiority feelings. Because ultimately, pride is insecurity—this desperate need for honor, this hunger for glory. And that expresses itself as much through self-doubt as through self-promotion. If you're always doubting yourself, always beating yourself up, if you're terrified of compliments or attention, it's because you're just as painfully self-aware as the arrogant person. You're just as absorbed in thinking about yourself. You're just looking through a different lens. Here's the insight that changes everything: Real humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's not thinking more of yourself. It's thinking of yourself LESS. Self-forgetfulness. Not self-hatred. Not self-promotion. Self-forgetfulness. The Body Part Test When do you think about your elbow? Only when something's wrong with it. When it's functioning properly, you never think about your elbow at all. Now think about your ego, your sense of self. If you were psychologically healthy, you wouldn't constantly think about: How you're doing How you're looking What people are saying about you Whether that person respects you How you came across in that meeting You'd be thinking about other things—your mission, your team, the people you serve, the problems you're solving. But instead, you're always monitoring yourself. Getting your feelings hurt. Feeling slighted. Wondering if that person likes you. Replaying conversations to analyze your performance. Why? Because something's wrong with your ego. Just like something's wrong with your elbow when you can't stop thinking about it. We're not healthy. We're glory-empty. And as a result, we're filled with drivenness, scornfulness, willfulness, and self-consciousness. Which of these four is your primary struggle? Comment just the word—drivenness, scornfulness, willfulness, or self-consciousness. No explanation needed. (Notice how hard even THAT admission is? That difficulty is itself diagnostic.) THE CASE STUDY: The President Who Stopped Trying to Look Humble Let me tell you about a university president I'll call Marcia (not her real name, but Marcia, if you're reading this, you absolutely know this story is about you and you're smiling right now). Marcia inherited a cabinet of seven VPs. All credentialed. All experienced. Combined IQ that could literally cure diseases. Combined ability to work as a unified team? Roughly equivalent to a committee trying to decide on pizza toppings while honoring everyone's dietary restrictions and also addressing systemic inequity in pizza distribution. Her first 90 days, she tried everything leadership books recommend: Strategic planning sessions Vision alignment workshops Team-building exercises (they did an escape room—everyone escaped, nobody's relationships improved) Nothing changed. Here's what Marcia finally realized: Her team wasn't dysfunctional because they lacked skills. They were dysfunctional because every single person—herself included—was operating from glory-emptiness. ✅ Her CFO needed to be seen as the smartest person in financial discussions. ✅ Her CAO needed recognition as the institutional visionary. ✅ Her VP of Advancement needed credit for revenue growth. ✅ Her VP of Enrollment needed acknowledgment for recruitment strategies. Nobody was thinking about the institution. Everyone was thinking about their reputation within the institution. The Turning Point Marcia did something radical. She stopped trying to fix the team's behavior and started addressing the team's orientation. She asked each VP privately: "When you think about your work here, what are you most afraid of?" The answers were devastatingly honest: "That people will think I'm not adding real value" "That I'll be exposed as not knowing enough" "That my successor will do it better and people will realize I wasn't that great" "That I'll be forgotten after I leave" Glory-emptiness. All of them. Including Marcia. Then she asked a different question at their next retreat: "What if your professional reputation didn't matter at all? What if you were already fully known, fully valued, fully secure in your worth—not because of your accomplishments but just because of who you are? How would you lead differently?" The room went silent for 45 seconds. (Which in a room full of executives feels like 45 minutes.) Then her VP of Finance said: "I'd probably ask for help more. I'd admit when I don't know something instead of pretending I do." Her CAO said: "I'd stop fighting for my ideas and start building on other people's ideas. I'd care more about the best solution than my solution." Her VP of Advancement said: "I'd stop tracking whose initiatives get credit and just focus on what actually grows the institution." Marcia said: "What if we all started operating that way? Not because we've achieved perfect self-actualization, but because we're practicing a different orientation—one where our worth isn't constantly up for negotiation?" The Results Six months later: Same people. Same challenges. Different operating system. They'd built what Marcia called "a culture of self-forgetfulness" —not self-hatred, not self-promotion, but genuine focus on mission over reputation. The changes: Cabinet meetings became 40% shorter (people stopped positioning, started problem-solving) Decision velocity increased 3x (people cared more about right answers than being right) Innovation accelerated (people stopped protecting territory) Voluntary turnover dropped to zero (previously losing 1-2 VPs annually) Student outcomes up 12% Faculty satisfaction up 18% Board confidence dramatically increased (the cabinet finally looked like a team instead of competing empires) Marcia told me: "Humility isn't something you achieve. It's what happens when you stop needing achievement to prove you matter. That shift changes absolutely everything." The difference? They stopped trying to fill their glory-emptiness through work performance. They started operating from a completely different foundation. Now, if you're thinking "this makes philosophical sense, but how do I actually build this into my team's operating system on Tuesday?"—I get it. That's exactly the gap between insight and implementation. This is what The GROUP is for. Each week, I turn the newsletter topic into a Leader CORE Lesson and Guide: facilitation scripts for vulnerability-based conversations, diagnostic tools for identifying glory-emptiness in your team, exercises for practicing self-forgetfulness together, and frameworks that make this concrete rather than theoretical. It's free (because charging for the solution to glory-emptiness would be peak irony), and built specifically for leaders who need Monday morning resources, not more Sunday night philosophy. Grab this week's Humility Architecture implementation guide: https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/the-group But whether you join The GROUP or not, here's what you can implement immediately... THE APPLICATION: What To Do Monday Morning (Before Your Team Implodes) Here's what to do Monday morning (assuming your calendar isn't already booked with meetings about meetings): STEP 1: THE PRIDE DIAGNOSTIC AUDIT (20 minutes alone, possibly uncomfortable) You can't work on humility directly. Remember—humility is self-forgetfulness. The moment you start monitoring whether you're humble, you've lost it. But you CAN identify pride. And pride has four telltale manifestations. Pull out paper. Be brutally honest. Rate yourself 1-10 on each: DRIVENNESS : Do I need to win? Am I restless with my performance? Do others' successes diminish mine? Do I compare my impact to everyone else's constantly? (1 = content and joyful, 10 = constant need to prove myself) SCORNFULNESS : Do I use sarcasm as a weapon? Mock people whose positions threaten mine? Do my "jokes" make others smaller? (1 = treat everyone with courtesy, 10 = regular contempt for those who oppose or outperform me) WILLFULNESS : Can I admit I'm wrong? Am I teachable? Do I take advice? Can I change my mind when presented with better information? (1 = regularly admit mistakes and change course, 10 = never wrong, always certain) SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS : How much time do I spend thinking about how I'm coming across? Monitoring whether people respect me? Replaying conversations to analyze my performance? (1 = rarely think about myself, 10 = constantly monitoring my reputation) Add up your scores. If you're above 28, you have a pride problem that's costing your team more than your budget shortfall. Now the hard part: Ask 2-3 people who work closely with you to rate you on these same four dimensions. Don't explain what they mean—just give them the four words and the 1-10 scale. If their average rating is more than 5 points different from yours, that gap IS your leadership problem. Not your strategy. Not your resources. The gap between how you see yourself and how your team experiences you. STEP 2: THE REPUTATION RELEASE EXERCISE (15 minutes, possibly terrifying) This is adapted from one of the humblest leaders I ever worked with. He couldn't stand two things: underperforming and unfair criticism. Here's what he learned: He meditated on the idea that his reputation ultimately matters less than his contribution. Try this: Identify the thing that most threatens your sense of professional worth: Unfair criticism from your board? Being outperformed by a peer? Not getting credit for your ideas? Being forgotten after you leave? Someone discovering you don't know something you're supposed to know? Write it down. Be specific. Name the scenario that makes your stomach drop. Now write this sentence: "If [the scenario you fear] happened, and my reputation suffered, would my contribution still matter? Would the lives I've impacted still count? Would the systems I've built still serve people?" The answer, of course, is yes. Your reputation isn't your contribution. Your reputation is other people's current opinion of your contribution. Opinions are temporary. Actual impact is real. The practice : When you feel that reputation-threat fear rising (someone criticizes you, someone gets credit for your idea, someone outperforms you), pause and ask: "Am I protecting my reputation or serving my mission?" If you're protecting reputation, you're operating in pride. If you're serving mission, reputation becomes irrelevant. STEP 3: THE SELF-FORGETFULNESS CONVERSATION (30 minutes with your team, zero BS) At your next cabinet meeting, add this agenda item: "The thing we don't talk about." Say this (I'm giving you the exact script): "I've been thinking about something. I think our team operates with more self-consciousness than self-forgetfulness. Meaning: I think we all spend more mental energy monitoring how we're perceived than serving our mission. And I include myself—probably especially myself—in that assessment. So here's my question: What would have to be true for each of us to stop thinking about our reputation and start thinking only about our contribution? I'll go first. [Share your answer honestly. This ONLY works if you model vulnerability first.] Then I want to hear from each of you. Not performatively. Just honestly." Then shut up and let the silence do its work. Someone will break first. Usually the person you least expect. And they'll say something like: "I spend way too much time making sure people know what I'm contributing" "I can't celebrate other people's wins because I'm always comparing" "I'm exhausted from managing how I'm perceived" That's your opening. That's where humility begins—with people admitting they're glory-empty and tired of performing fullness. OBJECTION HANDLING "This sounds like therapy, not leadership development." Fair pushback. Except here's the data: Leadership teams in the top quartile for humility-based competencies outperform their peers by 43% on institutional objective achievement. Teams marked by drivenness, scornfulness, willfulness, and self-consciousness consistently underperform their talent level by 30-40%. You can call it therapy. I call it the foundation that determines whether strategy actually works. Also: You're currently spending approximately 12 hours per week managing your reputation (conservative estimate). That's 624 hours annually performing confidence you don't always feel. How's that working for your actual results? "My team will think I've lost it if I start talking about 'glory-emptiness'" Then don't use that language. Use this language: "I think we're spending more energy on perception management than problem-solving, and it's measurably costing us." That's concrete. Observable. And if one person has the courage to admit it, everyone else will recognize it immediately. Yes, this conversation will be uncomfortable. That discomfort is diagnostic. If you can't have this conversation, your team is operating at Level 1-2 trust, which means you absolutely cannot do Level 5 work (transformation, change leadership, conflict resolution). The math doesn't care about your comfort. THE MATURITY SHIFT ❌ Immature leaders think: "I need to project confidence to earn respect." ✅ Mature leaders think: "I need to demonstrate humility to build trust" ❌ Immature leaders measure success by how they're perceived. ✅ Mature leaders measure success by what they've contributed ❌ Immature leaders see vulnerability as career-limiting weakness. ✅ Mature leaders see vulnerability as the foundation of team cohesion ❌Immature leaders need to be the smartest person in the room. ✅ Mature leaders build the smartest room ❌ Immature leaders are terrified of being forgotten. ✅ Mature leaders focus on building something worth remembering ❌ Immature leaders collect accolades like Pokemon cards. ✅ Mature leaders give away credit like it's infinite (because it is) The difference is the difference between glory-seeking and mission-serving. One makes you exhausting to work with. One makes impossible inevitable. Here's the paradox nobody warns you about: The way up is down. The way to be truly great is to stop needing to be seen as great. The most powerful thing you can do is give away power for others' flourishing. Your cabinet doesn't need another strategic planning session about excellence. It needs a fundamental reorientation away from glory-seeking and toward mission-serving. Everything else is decoration on a foundation that doesn't exist. Your turn—which of the four pride patterns is your dominant struggle? Comment just one word: drivenness, scornfulness, willfulness, or self-consciousness. No explanation needed. Or screenshot the maturity shift section and text it to your CFO with: "This is the conversation we've been avoiding." Or tag a cabinet member who actually models self-forgetfulness and tell them specifically what you admire about their humility. (Naming it when you see it reinforces it.) CLOSING: You Just Read About Your Actual Problem You just invested 14 minutes learning why your team's performance problem is actually an orientation problem. Glory-emptiness masquerading as confidence. Self-consciousness disguised as strategic positioning. Competition wearing a collaboration costume. Here's how to make sure this insight compounds instead of evaporating by Tuesday morning: OPTION 1: JOIN THE GROUP (FREE) Turn every newsletter into ready-to-deploy team resources. What you get: Implementation guides that save you 3+ hours per week Facilitation scripts for vulnerability-based conversations Diagnostic tools for identifying pride patterns in your team Peer community of campus leaders practicing self-forgetfulness together Monthly live problem-solving sessions (zero PowerPoints about synergy) Your Natural Leadership Profile diagnostic This week's guide turns this exact newsletter into your next cabinet meeting agenda —including word-for-word scripts for the reputation release exercise and the self-forgetfulness conversation. JOIN THE GROUP : https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/the-group OPTION 2: SUBSCRIBE TO LEADER INSIGHTS (ALSO FREE) Get these provocations delivered weekly to your inbox. Frameworks nobody else is teaching. Patterns nobody else is naming. Case studies about leaders who stopped performing and started building. SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG : https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/blog Pick one. Pick both. Just don't pick neither. Because your alternative is continuing to lead from glory-emptiness and hoping different results materialize through better strategic plans and more leadership books. (Spoiler: They won't.) YOUR MOVE Found this valuable? → Repost this with the one pride pattern you're committing to address → Tag a leader who models self-forgetfulness and tell them specifically why → Comment below : Which costs your team more—your drivenness, scornfulness, willfulness, or self-consciousness? The more leaders who shift from glory-seeking to mission-serving, the better our educational institutions become. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group for weekly Team Intelligence insights. NEXT ISSUE: "Your Cabinet Is Performing Collaboration (But Practicing Competition)" We'll explore why your leadership team looks unified in meetings but operates like rival factions between them—complete with pre-meeting lobbying, post-meeting damage control, and enough political positioning to make the UN Security Council look efficient. Spoiler: You're not having a communication problem. You're having a glory-emptiness problem wearing a collaboration costume. And it's costing you more than your entire professional development budget combined.  P.S. If you're thinking "I don't have time to turn this into a facilitation plan for Tuesday's cabinet meeting"—I already did it for you. The GROUP implementation guide includes the exact 30-minute conversation script (word-for-word, including how to handle the awkward silence), the diagnostic audit template you can print and use tomorrow, and the reputation release exercise with real examples from campus leaders—everything formatted for copy-paste deployment into your Tuesday cabinet meeting. It's free. It saves you hours. And it might actually change your team's entire operating system. Join here: https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/the-group
By HPG Info November 18, 2025
Are Your People Line Items Or Someone's Precious Child? Do this math: 500 staff × 2,080 hours/year = 1,040,000 hours of someone's precious child's life you're stewarding annually. Not "FTEs." Not "human capital." Someone's daughter. Someone's son. 73% of superintendents and presidents in our 987-team study can't name ONE person whose actual life—marriage, parenting, mental health—improved because they work there. That silence? That's the question costing you everything that matters. Fair warning: This newsletter will take 8 minutes to read. That's 8 minutes you could spend on: Prepping for tomorrow's board presentation about declining enrollment Responding to the parent/trustee who emailed your personal cell (again) Explaining to your spouse why you missed another dinner Doom-scrolling LinkedIn wondering if other educational leaders feel this lonely But if you're a superintendent or campus president whose talented cabinet produces mediocre results while everyone's exhausted... If you've ever gone home wondering whether you're breaking people to hit state accountability metrics or enrollment targets... If you've ever felt the loneliness of being the only person who sees the pattern while your board asks, "Why can't we just do what that other district/institution does?"... This might be the most important 8 minutes of your week. Your call. [Still here? Let's go.] ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🧮 THE STEWARDSHIP CALCULATOR Calculate your responsibility right now: _____ (your staff count) × 2,080 hours/year = ________ hours That's how many hours you're responsible for someone's precious child each year. That's not a budget line. That's someone's daughter going through a divorce while trying to manage 45 teachers or 85 faculty members. That's someone's son missing his kid's baseball game—again—because you scheduled another "urgent alignment meeting." Screenshot this calculation, fill in your numbers, and post it with your biggest realization. Tag DR. JOE HILL so I can see what you're discovering. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE ADULTS WHO KNOW THE INDUSTRIAL MODEL BROKE PEOPLE BY DESIGN Here's the pattern nobody discusses at AASA or NASPA conferences (because dismantling 150 years of industrial-era thinking doesn't fit on a PowerPoint): Monday, 6:45 AM: You're in your car in the parking lot, finishing the "quick alignment call" with your Director of Curriculum or Dean of Liberal Arts before the day starts. You need their proposal ready for Thursday's board meeting because the trustees are asking questions about reading scores or retention rates. Again. You communicate urgency—not with hostility, just with that edge that says, "I need this yesterday because the board won't accept 'we're working on it.'" Monday, 5:45 PM: They walk through their door. Their spouse sees "the person I chose to build a life with." Their middle schooler or college-age kid needs help with homework or life advice. But the stress you created at 6:45 AM? It's sitting at their dinner table at 5:45 PM. Monday, 7:15 PM: Their kid asks for help. But your curriculum director is mentally still in that car, calculating how to defend her timeline while managing 8 principals who all interpret "district curriculum" differently. Your dean is mentally still in that parking lot, calculating how to explain to 85 faculty why their departments matter when majors are declining. They snap at their kid. Not because they're bad parents. Because you never realized that superintendent and presidential urgency doesn't stay in the parking lot—it goes home with everyone in your cabinet. Quick gut-check: Think about the last time you sent an urgent text to a direct report after 7 PM. What time did THEIR family eat dinner that night? And what version of that person showed up at the table? Comment with the honest time you sent your last after-hours "urgent" message. Let's examine this pattern honestly. (This is actually why I built The GROUP —a free community where we dismantle industrial-era leadership and rebuild around purpose and connection. Where these provocations become Leader CORE Lessons you can actually deploy Monday morning without the translation tax. But I'm getting ahead of myself.) Here's what the data screams: 74% of chronic illnesses are stress-related. The most significant cause of stress? Work. The biggest cause of work stress? Leaders who still think humans are interchangeable parts in a machine. You're not just failing to close achievement gaps or stabilize enrollment. You're literally—and I mean literally—affecting whether your principal's or dean's marriage survives. Whether their kids feel loved. Whether they can sleep at night. And that principal or dean? They're doing the same thing to 45 teachers or 85 faculty members. Who go home to their families carrying that stress. Who bring it into classrooms where 600 students or 1,200 undergraduates feel it. The industrial model didn't just break organizational charts. It broke families. And we're still running the same system, wondering why everyone's burned out. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 🎯 THE FRAMEWORK: Three Ways To See People (And Only One That Actually Works) Call this the Stewardship Equation. Or don't. It'll still explain why your talented cabinet produces mediocre results while everyone's working themselves to death. Most leaders think: Competence + Hard Work = Results But the actual equation is: How You Make People Feel × Their Competence × Their Effort = Results Miss that first variable? Everything multiplies by zero. Math doesn't care about your strategic plan. THE THREE LEADERSHIP APPROACHES (A 150-YEAR EVOLUTION) APPROACH 1: PEOPLE AS EXPENSES (Industrial Era - 1870s-1970s) This is where Frederick Taylor broke American work culture. People are interchangeable parts. Costs to be managed. When you don't need them, you eliminate them. When budgets tighten, you "right-size." The language is designed to dehumanize so you don't have to feel what you're actually doing. K-12 Observable Reality: A superintendent once told me he was proud of his district's innovative STEM initiative. I asked how many people worked there. "450," he said. "So you'll champion programs, but what are you investing in the 450 people who have to implement those programs? Do they feel they matter, or do they feel like mechanisms for your strategic plan?" Long pause. "I never thought about it that way." Higher Ed Observable Reality: A president contributed significantly to her institution's capital campaign—buildings, scholarships, endowed chairs. When I asked about her 800 employees, she said the same thing: "I never thought about them that way." That's not unusual. That's normal. We inherited a system that celebrates initiatives while ignoring the humans who make them possible. The multiplication effect: When you treat people as expenses, they give you expense-level performance. They show up. They comply. They collect paychecks. But their gifts? Their creativity? Their discretionary effort? You'll never see it. Because why would someone give their best to someone who sees them as a cost center? Your principals manage crises but don't lead transformation. Your deans meet targets but don't build cultures of excellence. Your teachers and faculty comply but don't innovate. Real talk: Think about your last major initiative. How much time did you spend planning the program vs. ensuring your people wouldn't take implementation stress home to their families? Comment "PROGRAM" or "PEOPLE" with your honest answer. APPROACH 2: PEOPLE AS HUMAN RESOURCES (Enlightened Management - 1980s-2010s) You've read the books. You know EQ matters. You talk about "culture" and "psychological safety." You took your cabinet on a retreat with trust falls and personality assessments. Progress! But you're still fundamentally transactional. You're nice to people because research says nice bosses get better performance. You care about retention because turnover is expensive. You invest in development because it improves outcomes. You're treating people better, but you're still treating them as mechanisms for your success. K-12 Observable Reality: A superintendent implemented comprehensive wellness programs—yoga classes, mental health days, stress management workshops. Great stuff. Then budget cuts came. Guess what got eliminated first? Higher Ed Observable Reality: A president launched an ambitious faculty wellbeing initiative—sabbatical support, mental health resources, work-life balance programs. The board loved it. Then enrollment dipped. Guess what got cut to "preserve core mission"? The wellness programs. Because they were never about caring for people as precious children. They were about managing turnover and reducing sick days. When programs became expensive, they revealed themselves as tools for managing human capital, not expressions of genuine care. The multiplication effect: This gets you to adequate. People perform. They might even be engaged. But you're leaving exponential potential on the table because people can sense when they're being managed versus when they're being cared for. Your principals implement initiatives but don't own them. Your deans hit targets but don't build transformative programs. Your teachers and faculty follow curriculum but don't adapt it brilliantly. You get compliance, not adequacy. Adequacy, not excellence. APPROACH 3: PEOPLE AS SOMEONE'S PRECIOUS CHILD (Purpose-Driven Connection - The Future We're Building) This is where everything changes. Every person in your organization was raised by someone who loves them desperately. Who hopes they're safe. Who wants them to flourish. Who's trusting you—whether they know it or not—to care for their child. This isn't soft. This is recognizing the profound weight of what you've been given: the privilege of stewarding someone's life for 40+ hours per week. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 📊 THE CASE STUDY: When Someone You'd Write Off Becomes The Leader You Desperately Need "But Joe, I'm not running a manufacturing plant. I'm running a school district with union contracts and state mandates, or a university with faculty governance and accreditation pressures. My board thinks empathy is code for 'not holding people accountable.'" Fair. Let me tell you about someone we'll call "Dean Margaret"—not because one toxic academic department equals your entire institution, but because the industrial-era thinking that broke her is the SAME thinking breaking your other deans and department chairs right now. Let me tell you about someone we'll call "Dean Margaret" (not her real name, but if you know her, you absolutely know this is her). Margaret started as an associate professor in the College of Liberal Arts 28 years ago. Brilliant scholar. Published extensively. Students feared her. Colleagues avoided her. Self-identified as "the department skeptic." Angry. Isolated. Built literal barriers—she scheduled all her office hours back-to-back so no one could "drop by" for "pointless conversations." Her department chair told her, "You're brilliant, but you're impossible to work with. You don't have anything else." A junior faculty member said, "I saw her name on the meeting invite and immediately had to reschedule." When new university leadership took over 8 years ago, Margaret was not interested in their "collaborative governance" nonsense. She'd heard it all before. Administrative speak that meant nothing but more committee work. But two people—a provost from Wisconsin and an associate dean named Dr. Sarah Chen—started stopping by her office every single week. "Good morning, Margaret. How's your research going?" "Saw your article in that journal. Really impressive work." Week after week. Month after month. Margaret ignored them. Kept her door mostly closed. Made it clear through her body language: I have work to do; leave me alone. One day, Dr. Chen literally knocked on Margaret's door during her "do not disturb" office hours, walked right in with two coffees, sat down, and said: "Margaret, I know you hate this kind of thing, but I need to understand something. What happened that made you stop believing universities could be places where people actually care about each other?" Think about that image for a second. A leader literally interrupting "do not disturb" time to reach someone who'd built schedule barriers to keep everyone out. That's not "faculty engagement." That's not "psychological safety." That's not some HR best practice from a consultant's deck. That's one human refusing to give up on another human. And it took 8 years. Eight years of "good morning, Margaret." Eight years of acknowledging her scholarship before asking anything of her. Eight years of seeing someone's precious child even when she couldn't see it herself. Most university leaders won't do 8 days of that, much less 8 years. Which is exactly why most leaders never see transformation. If you're still reading this 2,000+ word newsletter at 11 PM because you can't stop thinking about whether you're breaking people, comment "11 PM" below. Let's see how many of us are in the loneliness together. That was the start. The university offered voluntary workshops in "collegial leadership." Margaret signed up in 2007. Not because she believed in it. Because she wanted an answer: Should I stay in academia or leave? In that workshop, Margaret wasn't taught communication skills. She was taught self-reflection. She learned that the isolation, the anger, the barriers—those weren't personality traits. Those were survival mechanisms from a lifetime of academic environments where she wasn't seen as someone's precious child, but as a "productive research unit." Who Margaret was before: A "decent colleague" to the handful of senior faculty she respected. To everyone else? "Brilliant but toxic." Junior faculty avoided working with her. Graduate students requested different advisors. At home? Not a bad partner, but not emotionally available. She was the academic. Her family accommodated her schedule. That was the relationship. Her chair's assessment was accurate: brilliance and anger were all she had. Who Margaret is now: "Completely different person," according to colleagues. She mentors junior faculty. She's the first person graduate students seek out when they're struggling. She travels with her spouse again—not just to conferences. Her adult children? "We actually have conversations now. Real ones. It wasn't like that before." At work? She's now Dean of Liberal Arts. One of the most sought-after mentors for new faculty, teaching others about sustainable academic careers and healthy departmental cultures. Here's the part that breaks my brain: Margaret didn't get therapy. She didn't have a dramatic life event that forced change. She just started working for leaders who saw her as someone's precious child instead of a research productivity metric. And that lens change—that fundamental shift in how she was seen and treated—changed who she became. The kicker? When I asked about stress, she said, "I didn't think I had stress. I just thought I was appropriately cynical about higher education." Then, after the transformation, "I realized I'd been carrying enormous stress for decades. I only had one emotion about my work—contempt disguised as intellectual superiority. I was never excited about teaching. I didn't love mentoring. I just published and resented everything else." ACADEMIC CULTURE DID THAT TO HER. THE "PUBLISH OR PERISH" INDUSTRIAL-ERA SYSTEM MADE HER THAT PERSON. AND A DIFFERENT CULTURE—LEADERSHIP BY PEOPLE WHO SAW HER AS SOMEONE'S PRECIOUS CHILD—UNMADE IT. Now translate this to YOUR context: That 22-year department chair who's "technically brilliant but departmentally divisive"? That's your Dean Margaret. Built walls because the last three deans treated them as an FTE generator and course coverage mechanism, not as someone's precious child. That associate dean who "doesn't collaborate well across colleges"? That's your isolated academic. Defensive because collaborative leadership has always been code for "do what the provost wants but make it look like shared governance." The question isn't whether you have a Margaret. You absolutely do. The question is: Are you willing to spend 8 years knocking on their office door? Or will you write them off in 8 days? Tag your cabinet member who needs to see this (do it cowardly—don't explain why. They'll know.) ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 💡 SCREENSHOT THIS: "Academic culture made her Darth Vader. Different leadership unmade it. Your leadership doesn't just affect org charts—it affects whether someone's family recognizes them." ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ PAUSE: If you're still reading, you're in the top 15% of leaders willing to confront uncomfortable truths. Most superintendents and presidents will scroll past this because it challenges everything the industrial era taught them about "managing people." But you're still here. Which means you already know something's broken. The question is whether you're willing to do something about it. Let me show you exactly how... ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ THE UNPOPULAR TRUTH THAT'LL GET ME UNINVITED FROM AASA AND NASPA Most superintendent and presidential leadership development is actively making this worse. They teach you data-driven decision making. Change management. Strategic communications. How to survive your board. How to pass levies or navigate trustee politics. Nobody teaches you how to see your curriculum director or dean as someone's precious child instead of a deliverables machine. Nobody teaches you that your principal's or department chair's marriage matters more than their building's test scores or department's enrollment numbers. Nobody teaches you that when you text your cabinet at 9 PM about tomorrow's agenda, you're stealing time from someone's family—and calling it leadership. The courses exist to make you a better superintendent or president within the industrial-era system. I'm trying to help you dismantle the system. There's a difference. And that difference is whether your cabinet members go home feeling they matter or feeling they're mechanisms in someone else's ambition. Comment "MECHANISMS" if you've sat through leadership training that felt more like systems engineering than human stewardship. (If we get 20+ comments, I'll write next week's newsletter about why ed leadership graduate programs are accidentally training superintendents and presidents to break people. Fair warning: It won't be diplomatic. Your graduate professors will hate it. You might finally understand why leadership feels impossible.) Now, if you're thinking, "This story is great, but how do I actually shift my cabinet from Approach 2 to Approach 3 on Tuesday?"—I get it. That's the gap between insight and implementation that's been keeping you up at 2 AM rewriting meeting agendas. This is what The GROUP is for. Each week, I turn frameworks like this into Leader CORE Lessons and Guides: facilitation notes, discussion prompts, the "Precious Child Lens Shift" diagnostic, conversation frameworks—everything you need to lead your team through this content without spending Sunday night translating conference insights into Monday morning reality. It's free (because charging for the solution to an industrial-era problem I'm trying to help you escape would be peak irony), built for busy leaders in K-12 and higher ed, and designed for Monday morning meetings when you're already exhausted from last week's fires. Grab this week's "Stewarding Someone's Precious Child" implementation guide: https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/the-group But whether you join The GROUP or not, here's what you can implement immediately... Before we get to what you can do Monday morning, do something right now: Screenshot the Margaret story above and text it to one person on your leadership team with this message: "What if we led like this?" Just that. Nothing else. See what they say. (I'll wait while you do it. This newsletter isn't going anywhere.) Done? Good. Now here's your Monday morning playbook... ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⚡ THE APPLICATION: What To Do Monday Morning STEP 1: The Precious Child Lens Shift (10 Minutes, Alone) Before your next cabinet meeting, pull out photos of your team. Your cabinet members. Your principals or deans. Your directors or department chairs. For each person, write: "This is __________'s precious child. Their parent hopes I will care for them. How am I doing?" Be brutally honest. K-12 Version: Is your Director of Special Education someone you see as a compliance officer, or as someone's precious child navigating impossible state mandates while trying to serve students with dignity? Is your high school principal someone you see as a test score producer, or as someone's precious child managing 150 staff and 1,200 teenagers while parents email them at midnight? Higher Ed Version: Is your Dean of Liberal Arts someone you see as an enrollment generator, or as someone's precious child trying to explain to 85 faculty why their departments matter when majors are declining? Is your VP of Student Affairs someone you see as a crisis manager, or as someone's precious child responding to Title IX cases, mental health emergencies, and parents who threaten to call trustees? If you're treating them as functions, mechanisms, or means to achieve your strategic priorities, you're failing to fulfill that parent's hope. If you can't immediately name one way their life (not career, but life) has improved because they work for you, you're failing that parent's hope. The uncomfortable truth: Most leaders realize in this exercise that they don't actually know their people as humans. They know them as roles. VP of This. Director of That. Dean of Something. But do you know what keeps them up at night? What they're worried about at home? Whether they're thriving or surviving? YOU CAN'T CARE FOR SOMEONE'S PRECIOUS CHILD IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW THEM. STEP 2: The Dinner Table Audit (15 Minutes) Think about your last cabinet meeting. Your last interaction with a direct report. Your last decision about staffing, budget, or strategy. Now imagine that person going home that evening. Sitting at dinner with their spouse and kids. Ask yourself: Did the way I led today make them a better spouse? A better parent? A better human? Or did I send stress home with them? Be honest. Not "did I intend to create stress?" but "did my actions—my tone, my urgency, my expectations—actually create stress that went home with them?" Prediction: You're about to think "But my board won't understand this." I know because I'm about to address it. Comment "MIND READER" if I'm right. K-12 Specific Questions: When you texted your principal at 9 PM about the parent complaint, did that help them be present with their family, or did it ruin their evening? When you questioned your curriculum director's timeline in front of the whole cabinet, did that make them go home feeling valued, or did they spend dinner mentally rehearsing their defense? Higher Ed Specific Questions: When you sent your dean that "following up on enrollment numbers" email at 10 PM, did that help them sleep well, or did they lie awake calculating how to explain demographic realities? When you questioned your provost's recommendation in front of the president's cabinet, did that make them go home feeling trusted, or did they spend the evening wondering if their judgment is valued? Here's what most leaders don't realize: You can't compartmentalize humanity. When you treat someone as a function at work, they don't magically become a whole human when they clock out. The stress goes home with them. Their spouse feels it. Their kids see it. Their health carries it. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 💡 THE HUMAN QUESTION: "Did the way I led today make them a better spouse, parent, and human—or did I just send stress home with them?" ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ Real talk: If you just skipped Steps 1 and 2 to get to Step 3, go back. I built those in sequence for a reason. Trust the process. Also comment "CAUGHT ME" if I just called you out. STEP 3: The One Conversation That Changes Everything (30 Minutes This Week) Pick one person on your team. Schedule 30 minutes. No agenda except this: "I want to know you as a human being, not just as [their role]. Tell me: What do you love outside of work? What are you worried about? What would make your life better?" Then—and this is critical—shut up and listen. Don't problem-solve. Don't jump to solutions. Don't make it about work. Just listen to understand who this person is as someone's precious child. Not: "How are your buildings doing?" or "How's your college performing?" But: "How are you doing?" Not: "What's your plan for improving reading scores?" or "What's your enrollment strategy?" But: "What's making your life hard right now, inside or outside of work?" Not: "I need you to get buy-in on this initiative." But: "What do you need from me to feel supported as a human being, not just as a principal or dean?" This will feel awkward. It might feel inappropriate. You might think, "This isn't my role as a leader." That discomfort is diagnostic. If you can't have this conversation, you're treating people as functions, not as humans. Which means you're getting function-level performance instead of human-level devotion. The data backs this up: In one organization that taught empathetic listening classes, 95% of the feedback wasn't about improved work performance. It was about improved marriages. Better relationships with kids. Healthier family dynamics. Because when you teach people to see each other as precious children—to listen without judgment, just to validate worth—those skills go home. Your principals and deans take those skills back to their buildings and colleges. They listen to teachers and faculty differently. Who listen to students differently. Who go home and interact with their families differently. One conversation with you creates a cascade of better humanity through your entire system. Done the Precious Child Lens exercise? Comment "DONE" below so others see how many of us are actually doing the work, not just reading about it. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ OBJECTION HANDLING (Because I Know What You're Thinking) "This sounds soft. We have real problems—achievement gaps, enrollment declines, budget cuts. I don't have time for feelings." Fair. Let me give you the hard reality: 74% of chronic illnesses are stress-related. The biggest cause of stress is work. The biggest cause of work stress is bad leadership. One study estimates we're killing 120,000 people annually from work-related stress. Your "hard" approach to leadership? It's literally killing people. Slowly. Through elevated cortisol. Weakened immune systems. Heart disease. Depression. Anxiety. And it's costing you educationally. That principal or dean you stressed out? They're making worse decisions about discipline, hiring, and instruction because chronic stress impairs executive function. They're calling in sick more. They're leaving the profession (costing you 150% of their salary to replace). And their stress cascades to teachers and faculty, who cascade it to students, who underperform—creating the very achievement gaps and retention problems you're trying to solve. You think you don't have time for "feelings"? You don't have time NOT to care for people properly. Because the alternative is educational waste wrapped in human suffering. "My board won't understand this. They want results, not philosophy." Then show them the results. I know a K-12 superintendent who shifted to this approach. Three years later: Teacher retention: 78% → 94% Student achievement: 3rd quartile → 1st quartile in state Staff recommending district to their own children as a workplace: 34% → 89% Parental satisfaction: 68% → 91% I know a university president who did the same. Four years later: Faculty satisfaction: 62% → 87% First-year retention: 72% → 84% Enrollment: Stabilized despite demographic headwinds Employees recommending institution to their own children: 41% → 91% Your board doesn't care about your leadership philosophy. They care that it works. And this approach produces results because people who feel they matter will move mountains. Which objection did you just think? "This is too soft" or "My board won't get it"? Comment 1 or 2. Let's see which industrial-era myth is most persistent. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ THE MATURITY SHIFT Immature leaders think: "My job is to hit board metrics. My cabinet exists to execute the strategic plan." Mature leaders think: "My job is to steward precious children entrusted to my care. Board metrics improve when I do that well." Immature leaders measure success by: State rankings or US News rankings. Levy passage rates or fundraising totals. How many principals or deans stay until you tell them to leave. Mature leaders measure success by: Whether cabinet members go home less stressed. Whether principals and deans can be present with their own kids. Whether your curriculum director's or department chair's marriage is surviving. Immature leaders optimize for: Compliance. Execution. Performance dashboards that make board meetings easier. Mature leaders optimize for: Humanity. Whether the talented people they inherited are becoming better humans. Whether someone's mom would be proud of how you're treating her child. The shift isn't about being less rigorous. It's recognizing that how you close achievement gaps or stabilize enrollment matters as much as whether you accomplish those goals. Because if you're hitting state metrics or enrollment targets while destroying cabinet members' marriages, you're failing that parent's hope. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 💡 SCREENSHOT THIS: "Immature leaders optimize calendars. Mature leaders optimize whether someone's kid gets a better parent because of how you led that day." ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ YOUR TURN: The Question That Reveals Everything Think about your team right now. Your cabinet. Your principals or deans. Your directors or department chairs. Can you name one person whose life—not career, but actual life—is genuinely better because they work for you? Not because of salary. Not because of title. Not because of professional development opportunities. Because of how you see them. How you care for them. How you steward the precious child their parents entrusted to your care. K-12 Version: Can you name a principal whose marriage is stronger because of how you lead them? Can you name an assistant superintendent whose kids get a more present parent because you see them as someone's precious child? Can you name a curriculum director who sleeps better at night because they trust that you genuinely care about their wellbeing, not just their deliverables? Higher Ed Version: Can you name a dean whose family recognizes them again because of how you lead them? Can you name a department chair whose aging parents get more attention because you've reduced their stress load? Can you name a faculty member who's thriving—not just surviving—because you've created a culture where they matter? If you can't immediately name someone, you have work to do. And that work? It's the most important work you'll ever do as a leader. Because leadership isn't about strategic plans and achievement data and five-year facilities master plans. Leadership is about whether someone's kid gets a better parent because of how you led that day. Leadership is about whether someone's spouse gets a more present partner because you saw them as human, not function. Leadership is about whether someone goes to bed feeling they matter. That's the stewardship you signed up for, whether you realized it or not. The only question left is: Are you willing to lead like it? ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ THE FORK IN THE ROAD You just invested 8 minutes discovering why treating cabinet members as line items is destroying both your outcomes and their humanity. Now you have two choices: OPTION 1: Return to the industrial era Keep optimizing for compliance. Keep measuring success by whether people execute your vision. Keep wondering why talented cabinets produce mediocre results. Your board will be satisfied (until they're not). Your metrics will be adequate (until they're not). Your people will stay (until they don't). And in 10 years, you'll retire with decent pension, impressive resume, and the quiet knowledge that you broke more people than you built. OPTION 2: Build the future Join The GROUP —a free community where superintendents and presidents learn to steward precious children while actually improving every metric that matters. What you get: Implementation guides that turn this newsletter into Tuesday's cabinet agenda Facilitation notes for the "Precious Child Lens" conversation Peer community of educational leaders dismantling industrial-era thinking together Monthly live problem-solving with other lonely leaders who get it The "Empathetic Listening" curriculum that transformed Randall This week's guide includes the complete "Stewarding Someone's Precious Child" framework—ready to deploy Monday morning. JOIN THE GROUP: https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/the-group Or just subscribe to weekly insights: https://www.higherperformancegroup.com/blog Pick one. Pick both. Just don't pick neither. Because your alternative is spending the next decade wondering why leadership feels like breaking people you were supposed to build. (Spoiler: It's because you're still using Frederick Taylor's playbook in 2025.) ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ YOUR MOVE Found this challenging? Good. Challenge is where transformation starts. → Repost this and tag one leader who needs to see people differently → Comment with your honest answer: Can you name someone whose life improved because they work for you? → Screenshot the "Precious Child Lens" section and text it to your cabinet The more superintendents and presidents who shift from managing employees to stewarding precious children, the healthier our teachers and faculty become. The stronger our schools and institutions become. The better our communities become. This isn't idealism. This is the most practical leadership strategy you'll ever implement. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group for weekly leadership insights that honor humanity while driving performance. #EducationalLeadership #SuperintendentLife #K12Leadership #HigherEdLeadership #SchoolLeadership ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ P.S. A final thought about that wedding: The father who walked his daughter down the aisle last week was one of my good friends. He wasn't thinking about her performance metrics. He wasn't measuring her productivity. He wasn't calculating her ROI. He was thinking: "Please see her the way I see her. Please treat her the way she deserves. Please don't break what I spent 27 years building." Every parent whose child works for you is thinking the exact same thing. They're just not in the room to say it. So I'll say it for them: Please don't break what they spent 27 years building. That's not your job description. But it's your responsibility. And at the end of your career, nobody will remember your strategic plan. But the precious children you stewarded well? They'll remember how you made them feel. That's legacy. Everything else is just résumé content. ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ NEXT ISSUE: "Your Cabinet Has Succession Energy (But Nobody Knows Who's Kendall)" We'll explore why your leadership team performs collaboration theater in meetings but would never call each other when the world falls apart at 11 PM—and how that's not dysfunction, it's the DESIGN of command-and-control systems. Your principals and deans are Logan Roy's kids—brilliant, ambitious, competing for your approval, secretly destroying each other while performing teamwork. You're Logan—wondering why nobody's ready to lead after you leave. Spoiler: You've been optimizing for control instead of connection. And that worked great in 1987. In 2025? It's why your succession plan is "hope nobody retires."  (Also: Yes, I'm comparing your cabinet to a show about toxic family dysfunction. If that makes you defensive, you should DEFINITELY read it.)
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