4 Ways To Ensure You Become The Type Of Boss Your People Love And Laugh With (Not At)

September 27, 2022

It happens every day.


You’ve seen it, and maybe you’ve done it.


Done what?


Talk about a leader behind their back about everything you think you could never say to their face.


Every day, people vent about their leaders with rolled eyes and snarky jokes.


Most leaders have no clue it’s happening to them.

Please note: The organization's success does not exempt one from the backstage devilries. 


No level of leadership frees you from your weaknesses. You can lead one of the most successful systems in your sector and still have flaws that frustrate your team.


And here is the truth: The higher one transcends up the organizational chart, the more these weaknesses are illuminated. 


So, how do you avoid becoming that leader?


One of the best ways to do that is to make sure your team talks TO you about their challenges.


If your team feels like they can talk TO you, the office drama and gossip drop precipitously. 


So, how exactly do you build the conditions for that?


Here are four keys to creating a culture where people can talk to you as a leader, not just about you when you leave the room. 


I’ll also walk you through some fresh examples of how this reality plays across our HPG team.


If you don’t think this matters, remember—people don’t quit their jobs these days. They leave leaders and cultures.


1. Ask…Then Brace Yourself 

 

The best way to avoid being the leader everyone complains about is to ask your team for feedback. 


Directly. 


Face to face.


Then…brace yourself. 


It would also help if you raised your pain threshold. 


If the feedback you hear from your team surprises or bothers you, don’t tell your face. Smile because your team is giving you a gift.


A current example:

I recently received some feedback from my team as part of an Executive Quarterly {EQ} retreat we did.


I specifically asked them to name where I was getting in the way of our performance. I told them nothing was off-limits, and they didn’t have to worry about my Feeler getting hurt. 


Well…they told me.


Some comments about my leadership included:

  • I can be impulsive.
  • Sometimes, I wig out when things aren’t going well.
  • I micromanage when I’m not sure about the outcome.
  • Sometimes, our mid-term goals seem unclear or vague.


You know what? They were right.


Sure, I was disappointed to hear each of those nuggets of critique, but my frustration was directed at the man in the mirror. I have blind spots, and I am still a work in progress. 


I love my team and their willingness to step in the ring to challenge me with an accurate assessment of my leadership over the last quarter.


Our team often uses the “L” word in our work. 


Love = To Fight FOR the Greatest GOOD of the Other.


Here’s the bottom line. To be a Higher Performance leader, you must raise your pain threshold to hear that kind of feedback directly, honestly, and face to face with your team.


Please note:

  • You can’t wince.
  • You should not deny it.
  • You shouldn’t defend yourself.
  • You can’t sulk.


Once you hear honest feedback, the correct response is a simple “thank you.”


This is the stuff that strengthens your team and culture. 


Sadly, when you look at scandal after scandal across various sectors and leadership spheres, that kind of direct, honest, open feedback is missing because it’s often penalized.


Instead, leaders cultivate cultures of fear, bullying, and self-preservation. In extreme cases, I’ve even heard of dominating leaders forcing staff to resign and demanding they sign NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) on their way out to ensure they won’t talk about how bad things were.


If you want to create irresistible culture, crave the feedback you’d usually curtail, even if it hurts.


Especially if it hurts.


2. Reward It

 

In case you missed it, honest feedback is something you need to reward when given.


Many senior leaders say they’re approachable when that’s not the case.


Remember, even if you think you’re nice, you hold the keys to hiring and firing people. Most people are afraid to tell you the truth because they’re scared of being penalized, pushed to the side, passed over for promotion, or even fired.


So, when you get honest and even critical input, celebrate it.


In our feedback session (and countless other meetings where I get feedback like this), I must remind myself to let my team know that I’m grateful and that this is precisely what they should be doing and need to hear.


Exemplary leaders say things like:

  • Thank you.
  • This feedback is a gift.
  • That’s fair. 
  • I’m grateful you care enough to share that.


If you think it’s risky to do this at work, imagine what would happen if this was the dynamic at home. Trust me. The reward is worth the risk. 


This is the stuff healthy teams do habitually.


And the team will only be as healthy as the leader.


The Time To Optimize Your Campus Performance Is Now

The Lead Team Institute {LTI} is a step-by-step framework for Optimizing Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you). 


{LTI} is a complete program of workshops, tools, coaching, and strategies that will equip you to drive Higher Team and System Performance. 


Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

3. Ask More Questions

 

You’ll want to make the honest feedback moments as brief as possible.


Don’t.


When an individual or your team gives you critical feedback, they usually test the waters with something mild and watch for your reaction.


In other words, provoke them to go a few rounds with you to get to the honest truth. 


So, in addition to celebrating what they’ve shared, open another round—in the most open tone possible—by asking questions like:


That was so helpful. Thank you. Anything else?


We should get all interference out on the table.
What else are people seeing? What else could help us grow?


I’m learning and need to know this stuff. Any other thoughts or observations?


Yes, that’s bold, but it’s worth it.


Usually, in round two or three —when people feel safe—the big stuff shows up (my impulsiveness showed up in round three of me asking the question).


Yes, this takes humility. But I’ve learned humility comes through two paths:



  1. Voluntarily
  2. Involuntary


How does involuntary humility happen? Simple: when you get humiliated by others or by a situation. Humiliation is involuntary humility. When you don’t humble yourself, others are happy to do it for you.


I’m trying to be intentional in taking the voluntary path moving forward. 


I don’t always get it right, but I’m fighting hard for me and us.

 

4. Practice the Two-Month Rule

 

Ongoing and honest feedback from your team shouldn’t be an annual event or a performance review phenomenon (the yearly performance review is going the way of the video rental store).

 

You can also have the tightest systems in the world by asking for feedback regularly and still not getting honest responses from your team.


Here is where the “Two Month Rule” comes to play.


If I were your performance coach, I would ask, “when was the last time someone gave you harsh feedback that you took and leveraged to change a leadership behavior that everybody on your team could observe and appreciate?”


If you couldn’t give me an example, I would probably say that your influence is diminishing.


Seriously, if I can’t name a specific challenge that one of my trusted team members gave me in the last two months that helped to keep me off the rocks of average or underperformance, I bet they are also laughing at me and not with me. 


Mic drop.


It got me thinking…have I gone through two-month spurts where all I heard was sunshine? 


Honestly, I’m just not that good. 


And neither are you.


This means it’s time to go back to the team and actively solicit honest feedback.


For me, it’s not just a matter of leading better. It’s a matter of character, care, and credibility. 


I want the people closest to me to become better with me. That includes my wife, kids, friends, and team.


The people closest to you should have the best access to you to be For You. 


Often in leadership, it’s the exact opposite.


Brand New: A Step-By-Step Framework to Optimize Higher Team Performance (when gravitational pull toward average is working against you).


Every leader I know struggles with average-performing systems and is under the gun to improve. Most lack the confidence and collective talent to make it happen. 


I know it’s hard to be that honest to admit you have more questions than solutions. 


If you are hungry for change, we can help. 


Higher Performance Group exists to Optimize Higher Team Performance. 


Don’t think it’s just you and your team who are struggling. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 


So how do you Reclaim Your Momentum (LINK to Reclaim Your Momentum {LIVE}) when you are back in the whirlwind and can’t give up any additional time?


The Lead Team Institute {LTI}  is a step-by-step leadership development solution that integrates within your regular standing leadership meetings. 


In the series of workshops, you will get my entire playbook for Optimizing Higher Team Performance—from start to finish:

  • How to optimize team communication
  • How to optimize team connection
  • How to optimize team alignment
  • How to optimize team capacity
  • How to optimize team execution
  • How to build highly reliable systems


And much more. 

 

The complete package of workshops, tools, assessments, performance coaching and strategies will equip you to build irresistible culture and Higher Team Performance. 


Are you ready to lead your team to higher heights? You can get access to all of it today!

Learn more about the Lead Team Institute

More Blog Articles

By HPG Info August 3, 2026
K-12 or higher ed — same grave, same fight, and where we actually stand on it. Every August, someone in a lanyard stands in front of a room full of exhausted adults — a superintendent at convocation, a provost at the fall address — and says some version of “this is the year everything changes.” Everyone claps. Nobody believes it. By October, both rooms are right back where they started, for the exact same structural reason, just wearing different institutional colors. You know the K-12 version of the grave: the PD-day initiative that had its own hashtag in August and hasn't been mentioned since the first snow day. You know the higher-ed version: the strategic plan the board approved 7-0, the one nobody on the provost's council could name a completed goal from by homecoming. Same grave. Different landscaping. Here's what should actually keep you pacing in your office more than enrollment or the sub shortage. Gallup's 2023 workforce data puts global disengagement at 62% . MIT's Human Dynamics Lab found fragmented teams burn up to 60% of their energy on coordination — meetings about meetings, not the work. Harvard economist Sendhil Mullainathan's research on scarcity found that operating under constant shortage costs the brain the functional equivalent of 13 IQ points . Thirteen. That's the gap between your sharpest VP and someone who forgot the agenda. One more, because it should make you genuinely angry: training-transfer research going back three decades puts the share of professional learning that ever makes it into practice at under 10% . Every PD day. Every retreat. Every conference you sent three people to in July. You're not underfunding development. You're funding an extremely expensive form of forgetting. None of this is a motivation problem. Your people aren't lazy or allergic to change. They're operating inside a system quietly taxing them on seven fronts before they've poured their first cup of coffee in the building. And if it doesn't get named this year, it isn't just this year that pays for it. It's whoever inherits your seat. It's the kid in the back row, the freshman three weeks into a dorm, the faculty member who stopped raising a hand two years ago and nobody noticed. The cost has names. So here's where we stand, plainly, because none of this works if you don't know it. WE ARE FOR HEALTHY TEAMS AND HIGHLY RELIABLE SYSTEMS. That's the HPG brand, in five words. WE ARE AGAINST THE SYSTEMS THAT ACCELERATE BURNOUT — the ones that train your best people to mistake exhaustion for commitment, reward the loudest voice over the best idea, and quietly bill the people who care most for continuing to care. Not the board. Not the budget. THE SYSTEM itself. We didn't build this to run another workshop. We built it to fight for both ends of that equation — the leader carrying it, and the kid, the freshman, the faculty member on the other side who never got a vote in how well the system was built. Pick a side. We already have. Here's what FOR actually looks like, not hypothetically — we've watched it happen close to a thousand times. The Tuesday cabinet meeting ends on time. The VP who started emailing ideas instead of saying them out loud starts saying them out loud again. The plan from August is still alive in October — audible, not filed. That's not a culture initiative. That's a highly reliable system, doing what it's supposed to do. It starts with knowing, precisely, which of seven forces is your leak. Not guessing. Not a hallway read. Next week, you find out which one is yours. I'm opening The Burnout Force Check — three minutes, seven forces, your own honest number. It isn't live yet. It opens next week, right here.  Message me personally, and I'll make sure you're first through the door — doesn't matter which lanyard you're wearing. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group
By HPG Info July 27, 2026
Why the seven forces driving burnout in your cabinet move exactly the way a piano does — and why the room adjusts to the wrongness long before anyone names it. Twenty years ago, I moved my family away from everything they knew. Not across town. Across area codes — away from the school where I was principal, away from grandparents, away from the only bedrooms my three kids had ever slept in, away from every friendship they'd built since kindergarten. I told my wife it was the right move for our family. I still believe that. But telling a nine-year-old “this is the right move for our family” lands about as well as telling your cabinet a reorg is the right move for the institution. Correct. Unpersuasive. Deeply unwelcome. So we did what desperate, loving parents do. Ice cream. A puppy negotiation I'm still not proud of. And one purchase that turned out to matter more than either: a baby grand piano for the new house. That piano is still in my living room. Twenty years, three kids, and a tuner later — a woman who showed up twice a year for over a decade and never once used the word “burnout” — here's what she taught me about running a cabinet, without ever meaning to. A piano doesn't fail all at once. It drifts. One string at a time, one season at a time, so slowly that everyone living inside the house adjusts to the wrongness without ever naming it. Your leadership team is doing the exact same thing right now. And the people closest to it — the ones playing it every single day — are the last people on earth who'll hear it. THE DIAGNOSIS · NOTHING BROKE. IT DRIFTED. Let's talk about drift like adults who've sat through enough strategic planning retreats to know the difference between a crisis and a slow leak. When's the last time a VP in your cabinet pushed back — and meant it? Nobody's cabinet collapses on a Tuesday. What actually happens is smaller and slower: the VP who used to push back in meetings stops pushing back. The initiative that launched with real energy in August is, by February, running on habit and a group chat nobody reads anymore. The meeting that used to run ninety minutes now runs sixty — not because anyone got more efficient, but because half the room quietly decided the extra thirty minutes of honesty wasn't worth it. None of that shows up on a dashboard. It shows up the way a piano goes flat — not as an event, but as an accumulation. By the time someone finally names it (usually a board member, not gently), you're not looking at one broken string. You're looking at an instrument nobody's tuned in two years, and a room full of good people who adjusted to the wrongness because it arrived one cent at a time. (This is the part where I'm supposed to tell you to “communicate more.” You already knew that. The real problem isn't communication. It's that nobody in your cabinet has a name for what's actually going wrong — so everyone quietly assumes it's just them.) Structure is never neutral. Every system is a self-portrait of whoever built it — and most of yours was painted before you ever took the seat. ❞ Which means the villain was never the people in the room. Individual brilliance, individual empathy, individual self-awareness — all present, all functioning. Multiply eight individually excellent people by a system nobody's maintaining, and the output doesn't hold. That's not a people problem. That's structural neglect wearing a people costume. What looks like burnout in your cabinet is usually the rational response of a capable person inside a broken system. ❞ (This is the exact gap Burnout Force was built to name — not another framework asking your cabinet to try harder individually, but a diagnostic for the structural neglect sitting underneath what looks like burnout. Seven forces, seven distinct mechanisms, each requiring its own fix — the same way a tuner never fixes “the piano,” she fixes one string at a time. More on all seven in a moment.) THE PIANO TUNING METHOD — OR WHY SEVEN FORCES, NOT ONE A piano has seven notes before the octave repeats. Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti. Seven distinct tones, each capable of going wrong in its own particular way, each requiring its own fix. A tuner doesn't fix “the piano” — she fixes seven specific things, one string tension at a time. Here's the part most people miss: the seventh string never sounds right until the first one's fixed. Burnout Force works the same way. Not one villain. Seven — each with a distinct mechanism, each recognizable once you know what you're listening for. 1 · Fragmentation — Unisons, Out of Sync Most piano notes aren't a single string — they're two or three strings tuned to the exact same pitch, meant to ring as one voice. Drift even slightly apart, and the note doesn't go silent. It goes blurry. Chorused. Technically playing, technically wrong. That's Fragmentation: a cabinet where everyone's still showing up, still contributing, and the collective sound is somehow muddier than any one of them alone. 2 · Exhaustion — String Tension Under Constant Load Piano wire doesn't need to be struck to lose its tension. Sustained load alone, with no release, causes metal fatigue — the string goes flat just from sitting there under pressure. There's an old performance formula worth borrowing here: performance equals potential, minus interference. Not potential plus effort. Your best people are going flat the same way — not from one hard day, but from load with no release, for long enough that flat becomes their normal. 3 · Isolation — Notes That Won't Resonate Together Piano strings produce overtones — secondary frequencies that aren't perfectly clean multiples of the main pitch. Tuners call this inharmonicity: individually well-tuned notes can still clash rather than support each other in a chord. A cabinet can be full of individually excellent leaders who still don't resonate together, because nobody ever tuned them to each other. (Coal miners didn't bring a canary into the mine for company — they brought it as an instrument. When the person who used to drive every meeting suddenly goes quiet in the back row, that's not an attitude problem. That's a reading coming off the instrument.) 4 · Scarcity — Compensation That Crowds the Room When a piano is stretched to compensate for inharmonicity, one note's resonance can crowd out another's — more presence for one string at the expense of the one beside it. Scarcity is the belief that someone else's win is quietly your loss. It's rarely true. It's a tuning problem mistaken for a competition. 5 · Comparison — The Sound of Two Things Measured Against Each Other When two strings are close but not exactly matched, you hear an actual physical pulsing — tuners call it a “beat.” It's the audible result of two things being judged against each other instead of each being allowed to be itself. Comparison in a cabinet works the same way: audible, measurable, and it doesn't resolve on its own. 6 · Noise — Losing the Reference Point Every piano is tuned from one reference octave first — usually the one built around middle C — and everything else is set relative to it. If that reference is never revisited, the whole instrument can be internally consistent with itself and still be wrong, because the one thing everything else depends on was never checked. That's Noise: a cabinet that's stopped returning to its actual reference point and started tuning to whatever's loudest that week. 7 · Drift — The One That Doesn't Announce Itself And then there's the one nobody has to cause. Piano tuners genuinely use this word: drift — the slow, seasonal, nobody-touched-anything loss of pitch that happens just from humidity and temperature changing in the room. No event. No single decision. Just time, and an environment nobody adjusted for. This is the force behind the other six — and the one every leader I know insists could never happen to them, right up until the year it does. WHY FOUR, LIVE — THE AMPLIFICATION ENGINE Here's the part most burnout content skips: not all seven forces are equally random. Four of them are the causal engine — they manufacture the other three. Fragmentation produces Exhaustion (coordinating around broken structure is its own kind of tired). Exhaustion produces Isolation (depleted people stop reaching for each other; reaching itself becomes the thing they can no longer afford). Isolation produces Scarcity (a cabinet that's stopped resonating together starts believing there isn't enough credit, attention, or budget to go around). And Scarcity feeds straight back into Fragmentation — louder, the second time through. Comparison, Noise, and Drift sit downstream of all four. Fix the engine, and the other three get dramatically easier for your own people to spot and name themselves. You cannot fix the seventh string by tightening it harder. You fix the first one, and the seventh gets easier to hear. ❞ I didn't learn any of this from a leadership book. I learned it from the same tuner — never used the word “burnout,” never needed to. She just knew the instrument needed her back, regularly, not once and done. ❝ Your cabinet needs the same thing. Not a single retreat. Not one framework, delivered once, expected to hold. A tuner. A rhythm. Someone who comes back. ❞ THE APPLICATION · MONDAY MORNING Here's what to do Monday morning (assuming your cabinet isn't already visibly out of tune — in which case, start today): Step 1 — Name your loudest string. (15 minutes) Of the seven forces, which one is making the most noise in your cabinet right now? Don't overthink it. Your gut answer is usually the correct diagnosis your data hasn't caught up to yet. Step 2 — Ask your cabinet the “beat” question. (20 minutes, next meeting) Ask directly: “Where do two of us sound like we're being measured against each other instead of just doing our own job well?” That's Comparison, made audible. You'll hear the beat the moment someone answers honestly. Step 3 — Schedule the return visit. (5 minutes) A piano tuned once and never revisited drifts right back. Put a recurring cabinet health conversation on the calendar — quarterly, minimum. The tuner's value was never the single visit. It was the relationship. “We don't have time for this.” You're already spending time managing the symptoms of an out-of-tune cabinet — the redundant meetings, the parking-lot conversations, the initiative that quietly died in month four. That time is already being spent. You're just spending it on maintenance instead of tuning. “My team will think this is soft.” Nobody thinks a piano tuner is soft. She shows up with a very specific diagnosis for a very specific string, and the room sounds different when she leaves. Precision isn't soft. Vague inspiration is soft. This isn't that. THE MATURITY SHIFT Immature leaders think: “We need a retreat to fix morale.” Mature leaders think: “We need a rhythm to maintain the instrument.” Immature leaders wait for the piano to sound obviously wrong before calling anyone. Mature leaders schedule the tuner before the drift is audible to the room. The uncomfortable truth: your cabinet didn't break. It drifted — one string, one season, one quiet accommodation at a time — and nobody wrote it down because nothing dramatic ever happened on any single day. The optimistic reframe: drift is the one force that responds completely to maintenance. You don't need a new piano. You need someone who comes back. Your worth was never conditional on the note holding perfectly. It just needs someone willing to notice when it doesn't — and come back. ❞ Your turn: Which of the seven strings is out of tune in your cabinet right now? Name it in the comments — the word is enough. Tag the person on your team who'd hear it the second you said it out loud. BURNOUT FORCE Burnout Force is the name for what's actually happening — seven specific, researched forces, each with its own mechanism, each solvable once it's named correctly. The keynote fights the first four, live, together, with your cabinet in the room — the causal engine, the ones everything else grows out of. The book carries all seven, in full, with the research behind each one, so your team can finish the tune-up without me there. This isn't another framework to add to the pile you already haven't implemented. It's a diagnostic — built from work across 987 leadership teams in 43 states — for naming precisely which of the seven forces is loudest in your institution right now, and what actually reverses it. 📊 3x performance improvement · 29% higher engagement · 27% better organizational outcomes · zero increase in burnout — because these teams stopped treating exhaustion as a personal failing and started treating it as a structural, solvable problem. If you already know which string is out of tune in your cabinet, the conversation about whether Burnout Force is the right next step for your institution is a short one. Book 30 minutes and let's have it. higherperformancegroup.com/burnout-force FOUND VALUE IN THIS? Help another leader hear their own drift: → Repost with the force that's loudest in your cabinet right now. → Tag a leader who'd recognize this the moment they read it. → Comment with the last time something on your team went quietly out of tune — and nobody said anything for months.  The more leaders who learn to hear the drift before the crisis, the fewer institutions have to relearn this the hard way. Follow DR. JOE HILL and Higher Performance Group for weekly Team Intelligence insights.
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