Higher Performance Insights | When Yuck Happens: The Gritty 3 P’s of Bouncing Forward

September 10, 2024
higher performance insights

On a sunny Mexican morning, Dave Goldberg went for a workout. He never came back. Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook's COO, found herself facing the unthinkable. Her husband, gone at 47.

 

Grief consumed her. But then, a lifeline appeared.

 

Her friend Adam Grant introduced her to the concept of emotional resilience. It's not about being tough. Grief is a real thing. It's about being smart with your feelings. [1] 

 

A year later, Sandberg stood before Berkeley graduates, sharing what she'd learned.

 

The secret?


“After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that there are three P’s—Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence—that are critical to how we bounce back from hardship,” said Sandberg. “The seeds of resilience are planted in the way we process the negative events in our lives.” [2]

 

The Three P's

 

PERSONALIZATIONthe belief that we are at fault. In Sandberg’s words, “This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us happens because of us.” After her husband’s death, Sandberg blamed herself. “What could I have done? Should I have done more?” But it wasn’t until she reviewed her husband’s medical records that she realized there was nothing she could have done to prevent his death. She was not at fault for what happened.

 

PERVASIVENESSthe belief that an event will affect all areas of your life. Ten days after her husband’s death, Sandberg returned to work to attend a meeting. Her mind wandered to thoughts of her husband until, for a brief moment, the discussion caught her attention, and she forgot about her grief. In her own words, “That brief second helped me see that there were other things in my life that were not awful. My children and I were healthy.”

 

PERMANENCEthe belief that negative feelings will last forever. For months, no matter what Sandberg tried, she struggled to cope with her grief. But in time, with much practice, she learned to accept her feelings and recognize that, while painful, they would not last forever. 

 

We all have a way of explaining why we experience what happens in our lives, or explanatory style, as it’s known. But as Sandberg and countless others can testify, we change our explanatory style from that of a pessimist to that of an optimist. In doing so, we can bounce back from negative events quickly and be more resilient than we ever thought possible. 

Footnotes :

[1] Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant went on to co-author a book together called Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy.

[2] For more on the three P’s, I recommend reading Martin Seligman’s book Learned Optimism


Team Discussion Question

How can you apply the "Three P's" of resilience—Personalization, Pervasiveness, and Permanence—to help your team navigate challenges and setbacks more effectively? Can you share an example of overcoming one of these P's in your professional life?


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